“People will forget what you said. People will forget what you did. But they’ll never forget how you made them feel.”
When I began writing this blog it was to tell the story of my life, my struggles and share my feelings with those of you interested in following and learning about me. I can’t believe what I’ve learned about myself in writing some of these passages. I’m actually not sure that “learned” is the right word. It’s probably more of an acceptance or realization as opposed to learning. I’ve learned that I have been too strong my whole life because I had to be. I’ve realized that I am angry about it. I didn’t realize this before! Did you bury feelings so deep you lost them? I have always been the one to just accept what has come at me and move along. Over the past few years that has been harder and harder. When my ex-husband left in 2009, I was hurt and I was angry. I don’t typically talk about him and I won’t give details of our relationship, but let’s just say there is a lot more to the story than has ever been let on. Wouldn’t you say so, ex-husband? I find myself in several situations currently that could have been avoided had I made better choices. Had I stood up for what I believed and what I wanted instead of doing what I’ve always done and let my need for people to love and like me rule my behavior. Don’t rock the boat, someone will get upset. Just go with the flow and keep the peace. Well, that’s not realistic and it never should have worked that way. I, unfortunately, have taught certain people how to treat me and also unfortunately younger eyes followed in those patterns. This changed as of last night. The final straw was placed on the camel’s back and I am DONE with that behavior. I make my own choices, I make my own decisions. Period.
In addition, and probably even more shocking to me, is that I have realized that I am angry with my parents – ALL of them. My biological father and mother and both my adoptive parents who have passed. Not a lot I can do about any of it, but I have to deal with it for the first time ever. Growing up, I always knew I was adopted. I was never angry about it with the exception of one short period when I was about 12 and that was more confusion and hurt than anything of an anger sort. Now, I realize, that I am angry! I have so many insecurities because I grew up believing I was not wanted. My dad and one of my 3 brothers treated me with love – the others including Mom, did not. This is where the abuse comes in and the pain I endured physically and mentally. I have always said that I wasn’t angry with my biological mother because she did what she had to do. I have always felt and shown anger toward my biological grandmother (who took her own life when I was about 3) for pressuring my mother to give me up. Lately, I realize, I am angry at Linda too. I have not yet discussed this with her and am not sure how to but will have to since I am making it public knowledge. And frankly, she deserves to hear it from me directly so I hope she does not read this before we get to talk. If you do, I’m sorry, I will explain. The problem with this is that I haven’t figured out exactly how I feel about all of this yet myself, so how do I explain it to her? How do I bring this up without hurting her further? I know that giving me up was one of the hardest things she ever did, but she did it. And while she was terribly depressed every year when my birthday rolled around, she wasn’t there. Would I have been any better off with her? Who knows. I doubt it honestly, but we will never know, will we? Being given away, being raised in a family where I was partially wanted created more insecurities and hiding than I can ever explain to you. I cannot understand it all myself yet, but through reading, writing and therapy, I am learning to accept some of these feelings that I never wanted to feel, let alone share with anyone that might hurt anyone involved – even though I was dying inside and didn’t even fully know it. I have always hidden from these feelings. That’s not fair. I deserve to say my feelings without being condemned or having to hear explanations or apologies or regrets or worst of all being made to feel bad about my feelings that are not self-inflicted. My feelings are my feelings and I have been saying a lot lately – I am entitled to them! Do you have people that have hurt you and you’ve never truly explained the damage they did to you? I think we all have this to some degree. A lot of these feelings have contributed to the inability to stabilize myself lately. The past few months have been sheer hell and I can’t count the number of days that I have not even wanted to get out of bed, talk to another human being, or even eat for that matter. Emotional pain is the worst kind of pain there is. A bruise will heal. The 6 inch needle that went into my knee a couple of days ago – it is already feeling better. You can’t heal a bruised heart. The heart bleeds until somehow somebody stops the bleeding, and if you ignore the bleeding – it never stops. I want mine to stop. I want to be “normal” for the first time in my life. Like truly normal, not just pretending.
This is not easy, because in order for me to do this, I am going to have to hurt people that I love with all of my heart by telling them how I truly feel and what I have uncovered. My prayer and hope is that they will understand and love me for my honesty and not make it about them. I find so often that when I talk to people about things, it gets turned into something that is wasn’t meant to be. Sometimes, you just need to say what’s on your mind and let it all process; then discuss further at a later date. And WITHOUT alcohol, may I add. I don’t want to hurt anyone. My mother, my ex-husband or even my ex-boyfriend. But these are the people (still living) who have hurt me the most that I can speak to about these feelings and move on. I don’t expect to continue relationships with some, but Linda and I have been in each others lives now longer than we were apart. With that on our side, I believe we will come through this with our relationship in tact and stronger than before because I will have been honest and can respect myself and her knowing that I said what I needed to say. My ex-husband, I am not sure if that conversation will ever happen again, Lord knows I’ve tried. We all know the definition of insanity. My ex-boyfriend that I speak of in here, hurt me worse than I’ve ever been hurt by a man by walking out on me in a day, after nearly a year of what I considered bliss. Out of the blue, 2 days before Christmas 6 years ago. I was there for him time and time again afterward as his friend and he always ended up hurting me more each time. A stop was put to that nearly a year ago and while I miss my friend, I do not miss the pain he put me through. The fact is that all of these hurts have built up and formed a volcano that erupted and I am trying to figure out just how to get the hurt to stop flowing now that I have allowed it to start coming out. Trust me, these are not the only people who have hurt me – in fact I haven’t even mentioned the worst one of all. My brother Andrew, who is in prison where he earned a spot for life. He has the biggest words coming. Through therapy the past few months, I have realized more and more that went on that I had totally ignored or just didn’t want to think of. Pain is pain friends. Emotional pain is the worst. If you don’t do something about it, you may never recover from it and you may never be able to have healthy relationships again. Do you want that? I certainly do not!
I have lived the first half of my life for other people. Caring about who thought what and who would be upset by what. The second half of my life – I intend to live FOR ME. I pray every night and day for God to heal me. Take the burden of the hurt out of my heart. Allow me to trust, allow me to love again fully and help me to make the decisions I should be making for myself. Teach me to be the person I used to be and to care and love others the way I need to. I want to be a good mother, a good friend and a good girlfriend. Lord, I cannot do these things without you! I cannot be who you desire me to be without letting you in my sealed off heart. I am working to break down the walls and those that don’t like it can exit my life with others that have gone before you – I don’t need you if you aren’t on my side. I am sure you know who you are. This is my time. So many things are coming to a head in my life and I am nearly over so many humps in my life that I pray God will just get me to the finish line where I can start again and be and live healthy and happy.
If you find yourself in these same shoes, pray. Our God is there for us and will lead us where we need to be. My cousin, Amy, reminded me tonight to just take a moment of stillness in his presence and just “be”. I am learning but it takes a lot of reminding for me. I get overwhelmed easily and it takes time to settle me down because I am not trusting in Him to do this with me or for me. Join me in asking for forgiveness, giving forgiveness and being true to yourself. This is the way to freedom, I know it. He is the only way we are going to reach it. He and a lot of work from ourselves.
Stick with me, things as I say each time are getting closer and closer to better…happier. More coming soon, until then, goodnight.