It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon! A fun and beautiful weekend is coming to a close. I have recommitted to LIVING my life, not just going thru the motions. I have actually left my house multiple times for things that weren’t chores! I went for a little ride with a friend, celebrated another friend’s birthday, spent all day baking with another friend. That’s a lot of activity and yet today, I feel completely and utterly alone. Sad. Even typing these words brings tears into my eyes and I can’t even tell you why, other than there is a huge hole in my life and my heart that I don’t quite know how to fill. I don’t mean any disrespect to anybody who has lost a partner, but I feel like somebody died. I don’t know how to explain it any other way. I am grieving my best friend, the man I thought was “it” for me. The man I thought would be sitting next to me in rocking chairs to enjoy these beautiful end of summer nights. I miss the companionship, the conversations, I miss him, even though I now know it was all a lie. To me, it was all so very real. It was 11 years of my life that I spent loving him and now he’s gone from my life, filling the role for somebody else. Why wasn’t it me? After 11 years, why wasn’t I enough? I now realize that this is probably my biggest fear, the trigger that is the most destructive and it goes way beyond him. I have been abandoned, literally, since birth starting with being given up for adoption. [*A note to my family – please do not take offense to this and please understand where I am coming from, or ask me.] When I start feeling this way, I tend to self-isolate rather try to fix it.
I will never understand how somebody who claims to love you can make the decision they KNOW will cause you such horrific pain. It is truly one of the most selfish acts to ever be committed. I cannot understand it and I have to stop trying to. Why do I care “why” he did it? The fact is that he did indeed lie and cheat, intentionally shattering my body, mind and soul. He abandoned me for being “such a fat bitch”. Why would I miss that? That has to be what you’re thinking, right? Maybe judging me a little for being so stupid? Saying how pathetic?! Well, let me assure you…nobody will judge me more than I have already judged myself. I have gone over every scenario in my mind a million times. What could I have done different? What if I had…? How could he want this woman over me? I am not a conceited person, but I am going to say she is not all that and does not measure up! Yes, I am jealous as hell and it makes me physically nauseous to think of them together and I can’t stop myself sometimes. I play the damaging game of comparison even though I know it’s not healthy. She is a bartender in a dive bar, I am a successful IT professional making my way in a man’s world. She lives in a dirty little townhome that reeks of dog pee and her cigarette smoke, I have a beautiful home with a great yard for my dogs, a garden, bbq’s, etc. Again, I am not conceited, but this may sound like it…I don’t care…these are my thoughts. Her lifestyle has taken quite a toll on her appearance and at 46, she looks a lot older than me at 51. He is a professional…why would that be what he wants? I spent a couple of hours talking with her, it was not impressive. He and I have always talked business and ambition, he’s always been so great with advice about work situations…what conversation is he having with her? Who she cut off at the bar that day? Maybe how to get dog piss out of her home by walking her poor dogs so they don’t go in the house?? I know it sounds petty, and this conversation isn’t attractive, I know, I know. So why can’t I stop replaying this over and over? I want off the merry go round! Most days recently I have been feeling GREAT, so when the tough days come along, I have to deal with it somehow and it seems that writing is my best outlet, even when it’s a bit more of a raw rant than I really want to put out there. So like I said last time, please bear with me! This is all coming from my still very shattered heart and while it may not sound constructive, this is me trying to work through all the things so I can move on.
So if you know anything about the biker community, you know that if your man rides that back seat is yours and no other woman better EVER be on it without your permission! In turn, you don’t hop on another man’s bike without your man’s approval or extenuating circumstances that you immediately notify him of! This is serious business. I was on the back of a friend’s bike this past week and I’m not going to lie, it felt a little weird. I almost felt like I was betraying him…how absurd is that?! I have no idea if he has had her on his bike, but he has certainly had her on other things that would give me the right and freedom to do anything I damn well please – least of all a bike! So why do I still feel like it’s betrayal? How can I still have that sense of loyalty to somebody that doesn’t even know the meaning of the word?! This is of course a rhetorical question, I know the answer; I just don’t like it.
One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned contradicts what we grew up being told. “Treat people how you want to be treated and they’ll return it.” Did your family tell you that? Mine did, and what load of crap! You have absolutely ZERO control over how somebody treats you. You only have control over how you respond. Treat people with respect, genuinely care for them don’t be attached to the outcome. Don’t be good to somebody because you want something in return, be good to people because it comes from your heart and you can’t go wrong! That is my mentality, so you can see why this doesn’t jive for me. I have hurt people in my lifetime, don’t get me wrong. I have made MANY poor choices in my life and I have often wondered if this is my Karma. Did the poor choices I made that hurt somebody bring this on for me? I recently had this conversation with my best friend and admitted to some really hurtful things in my life when I was younger and definitely not thinking thru the consequences as I should have and while I’ve already asked for forgiveness from the one that truly matters, if I’ve caused you pain and you come across this post, I am sorry for causing you pain. Even him…we all know his name so I don’t need to use it, but I am sorry for pain I have caused you with my words. You know very well I have done nothing more, regardless of what you are saying about me. I am working to forgive you. I don’t want to hate you, it feels so gross to have that in my heart and my thoughts, I cannot keep doing it.
I am trying so hard to let this go and move on with my life. I am having more good days than bad but when it’s bad like today, it really sucks. I want nothing more than to stop feeling like I am not good enough and that I will be abandoned, yet again. I want to live my life and be happy, that’s it. I will find it again and be better than I was before!
Thank you for stopping by and I’ll take all the prayers and positive vibes you have to offer!