“She didn’t know who would go or stay, so she pushed them all away.”

It’s a beautiful Sunday afternoon! A fun and beautiful weekend is coming to a close. I have recommitted to LIVING my life, not just going thru the motions. I have actually left my house multiple times for things that weren’t chores! I went for a little ride with a friend, celebrated another friend’s birthday, spent all day baking with another friend. That’s a lot of activity and yet today, I feel completely and utterly alone. Sad. Even typing these words brings tears into my eyes and I can’t even tell you why, other than there is a huge hole in my life and my heart that I don’t quite know how to fill. I don’t mean any disrespect to anybody who has lost a partner, but I feel like somebody died. I don’t know how to explain it any other way. I am grieving my best friend, the man I thought was “it” for me. The man I thought would be sitting next to me in rocking chairs to enjoy these beautiful end of summer nights. I miss the companionship, the conversations, I miss him, even though I now know it was all a lie. To me, it was all so very real. It was 11 years of my life that I spent loving him and now he’s gone from my life, filling the role for somebody else. Why wasn’t it me? After 11 years, why wasn’t I enough? I now realize that this is probably my biggest fear, the trigger that is the most destructive and it goes way beyond him. I have been abandoned, literally, since birth starting with being given up for adoption. [*A note to my family – please do not take offense to this and please understand where I am coming from, or ask me.] When I start feeling this way, I tend to self-isolate rather try to fix it.

I will never understand how somebody who claims to love you can make the decision they KNOW will cause you such horrific pain. It is truly one of the most selfish acts to ever be committed. I cannot understand it and I have to stop trying to. Why do I care “why” he did it? The fact is that he did indeed lie and cheat, intentionally shattering my body, mind and soul. He abandoned me for being “such a fat bitch”. Why would I miss that? That has to be what you’re thinking, right? Maybe judging me a little for being so stupid? Saying how pathetic?! Well, let me assure you…nobody will judge me more than I have already judged myself. I have gone over every scenario in my mind a million times. What could I have done different? What if I had…? How could he want this woman over me? I am not a conceited person, but I am going to say she is not all that and does not measure up! Yes, I am jealous as hell and it makes me physically nauseous to think of them together and I can’t stop myself sometimes. I play the damaging game of comparison even though I know it’s not healthy. She is a bartender in a dive bar, I am a successful IT professional making my way in a man’s world. She lives in a dirty little townhome that reeks of dog pee and her cigarette smoke, I have a beautiful home with a great yard for my dogs, a garden, bbq’s, etc. Again, I am not conceited, but this may sound like it…I don’t care…these are my thoughts. Her lifestyle has taken quite a toll on her appearance and at 46, she looks a lot older than me at 51. He is a professional…why would that be what he wants? I spent a couple of hours talking with her, it was not impressive. He and I have always talked business and ambition, he’s always been so great with advice about work situations…what conversation is he having with her? Who she cut off at the bar that day? Maybe how to get dog piss out of her home by walking her poor dogs so they don’t go in the house?? I know it sounds petty, and this conversation isn’t attractive, I know, I know. So why can’t I stop replaying this over and over? I want off the merry go round! Most days recently I have been feeling GREAT, so when the tough days come along, I have to deal with it somehow and it seems that writing is my best outlet, even when it’s a bit more of a raw rant than I really want to put out there. So like I said last time, please bear with me! This is all coming from my still very shattered heart and while it may not sound constructive, this is me trying to work through all the things so I can move on.

So if you know anything about the biker community, you know that if your man rides that back seat is yours and no other woman better EVER be on it without your permission! In turn, you don’t hop on another man’s bike without your man’s approval or extenuating circumstances that you immediately notify him of! This is serious business. I was on the back of a friend’s bike this past week and I’m not going to lie, it felt a little weird. I almost felt like I was betraying him…how absurd is that?! I have no idea if he has had her on his bike, but he has certainly had her on other things that would give me the right and freedom to do anything I damn well please – least of all a bike! So why do I still feel like it’s betrayal? How can I still have that sense of loyalty to somebody that doesn’t even know the meaning of the word?! This is of course a rhetorical question, I know the answer; I just don’t like it.

One of the biggest lessons I’ve learned contradicts what we grew up being told. “Treat people how you want to be treated and they’ll return it.” Did your family tell you that? Mine did, and what load of crap! You have absolutely ZERO control over how somebody treats you. You only have control over how you respond. Treat people with respect, genuinely care for them don’t be attached to the outcome. Don’t be good to somebody because you want something in return, be good to people because it comes from your heart and you can’t go wrong! That is my mentality, so you can see why this doesn’t jive for me. I have hurt people in my lifetime, don’t get me wrong. I have made MANY poor choices in my life and I have often wondered if this is my Karma. Did the poor choices I made that hurt somebody bring this on for me? I recently had this conversation with my best friend and admitted to some really hurtful things in my life when I was younger and definitely not thinking thru the consequences as I should have and while I’ve already asked for forgiveness from the one that truly matters, if I’ve caused you pain and you come across this post, I am sorry for causing you pain. Even him…we all know his name so I don’t need to use it, but I am sorry for pain I have caused you with my words. You know very well I have done nothing more, regardless of what you are saying about me. I am working to forgive you. I don’t want to hate you, it feels so gross to have that in my heart and my thoughts, I cannot keep doing it.

I am trying so hard to let this go and move on with my life. I am having more good days than bad but when it’s bad like today, it really sucks. I want nothing more than to stop feeling like I am not good enough and that I will be abandoned, yet again. I want to live my life and be happy, that’s it. I will find it again and be better than I was before!

Thank you for stopping by and I’ll take all the prayers and positive vibes you have to offer!

“The trees are about to show us how lovely it is to let things go.” -unknown

Friends, let me tell you…writing a blog and being angry is HARD!!! I have written and re-written this draft over the past few weeks. I have contemplated scrapping it all together, but am choosing to post and live in and feel my truth. I will apologize now for this not being quite as eloquent as I like to write. I am pissed! I am hurt! I am venting. I am telling my story. I am dying inside from a broken heart, so bear with me through this post as I want it to be me – raw and real, and 100% honest. I know “some” may think this post belongs in a journal more than my blog; but sometimes, life is messy and that’s that. I’m not going to sensor myself to satisfy anyone else. Basically, if you don’t like what I have to say then stop reading my blog.

When I last wrote, I wrote of the way I had been so sorely mistreated, cheated on and lied to, and the turmoil that I have lived in for 11 years. I then made a public “blast” on social media declaring the changes I was making in my world. Unfortunately, the person on the other end of my story was less than pleased with what I shared with the world, even though it was extremely mild and not even close to the level of detail I could or probably should give, but probably never will. “It’s embarrassing.” “You did this so my family would see it.” “You’re just trying to start trouble for me.” “You just want sympathy.” “You’re a liar.” …and on and on it went, along with threats like “I’ll knock your teeth out”, “You’ll wish you’d never met me” – should I decide to post any more. I don’t care what he says, thinks or does at this stage and he won’t stop me from telling our story. If he thinks that I am not already sorry I met him, reading this will correct his misconception. I’ve never regretted anything so much in my life as I do believing his lies. My intent is to tell my story, where we are both at fault, not necessarily to smear his name. He is such a narcissist, he believes this blog is for his demise…which is pretty sad in itself…because that is really not the case. You, the reader, will form your own thoughts from what I write and he is assuming it won’t go his way, which is probably a decent bet. Anyway, this is part of my life story…as are the other ~30 posts that are not about him. So, on we go…

Needless to say the past couple of months have been really, really hard for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt pain that compares. I have a little emotional whiplash from all the back and forth, the lies, and the new discoveries. Yes, I did take myself on a couple of trips to relax, but I didn’t have a lobotomy! Apparently, the mind holds onto the most ragged, painful footage and replays it on a loop, even at the beach, much to my dismay. Enter tequila!! I mean, it’s vacation, come on! I am not going to lie, I did try to drink my worries away a time or two while on vaca, but I am not the kind of person that can just bury the hurt anymore. I lived a lot of my years practicing this and while it worked as a younger woman, the hurt would manifest itself in numerous other ways in my body, therefore, I do not feel it is a wildly successful method I would recommend to others. Talking…crying…talking…get angry…more talking…more crying…this is a pattern that seems to produce some benefit! I didn’t do any crying in MX, but we did a fair amount of talking and I did a ton of thinking. “How do I get thru this? Is he right? Was this my fault? What if it really wasn’t what it seems? Am I sure I’m done? Maybe I can I get over this and how can I still make it work?” Yes, you read that right. I am ashamed to admit, I have considered and thought about how I could still make it work. That is what 11 years of loving a narcissist and being trauma bonded with somebody will do to you.

I have grown a lot over the past couple of years while we have been apart more than we were together. During that time, I studied a lot of different things…tactics, situations, self-help, etc. Information overload!! Our time apart allowed me to realize the confidence I let him take from me is still in there and I do not have to live in constant unrest and turmoil, but it hasn’t stopped me from missing the things about him that I loved. I truly loved him and I have tried so many practices to get him out of my system to no avail. I am, however, a little smarter now and my head can outsmart my heart to look for the things I cannot let go of. So, I found the PROOF…things I couldn’t unsee and things he was unable to lie his way out of…like catching him with another woman and pictures of him vacationing with his “ex” and their kid! SURPRISE! Who knew they were still playing family?? Not me and not the neighbor he was sleeping with! So me writing about our situation and his antics got me the threats as I already mentioned, but they can put up pics of “family” vacation and let ME look like the unknowing fool?! What in the actual fuck is that??? I guess he believes that being presented with such pictures gave me no heartburn or embarrassment at all. His response/justification – “There’s nothing romantic between us.” “We only co-parent.” “She doesn’t even use social media.” I’d like to believe it’s innocent but come on…he has her stringing along just the same as he has had me and God knows who else. What he never accounts for is her lack of restraint for sharing these photos online, hoping that I will see them. She plays these games for my benefit which is fine, I have dealt with it for years, because her man left her for me…but the joke is on me because he then left me too, for the trailer trash neighbor. Let’s add a twist…the neighbor trash that he was sleeping with (yep, that’s 3 women) is the one who pointed me to the sweet family pictures asking me what the deal is. Can you say shady, lying narcissist?! The new girlfriend asking the old girlfriend about the baby mama. Let that sink in for a moment. That’s who we’re dealing with here.

The number of lies that have surfaced this summer are just unbelievable. He is truly living multiple lives and I feel like maybe I ever even knew him. Whether I did or I didn’t, I am grieving what I believed we had. Remember, I loved him and I gave him ALL of me, even if he didn’t reciprocate. It’s hard to break up with your best friend. This is what gets me the most I think. We talked all the time, but he was repeating himself or swearing he told me something he didn’t tell me. It became clear to me he was talking to somebody else, but he denied it of course. He swore to me he hadn’t been with anyone since we split up and he didn’t want another woman, didn’t need another woman. I could tell…this time, it just didn’t flow like it used to and too much hurt has been done. He let another woman into his world and there’s really no coming back from that for me. Looking back, the signs were all there but we’d been in that place so many times before and we always found our way back. Not this time, he was different and now I know why. One word: Heather.

He wasn’t there for a life threatening and life changing surgery I had in March. I told him I would not have anything to do with him if he wasn’t there and he made his choice and it wasn’t me. I went thru surgery and the first 6 weeks of healing, without a word from him beyond making sure I was alive the first night. His last text I just didn’t respond to so the communication dropped. He didn’t even try again. That’s not love. Later, he tried to tell me he was so sick and couldn’t visit me, but he was well enough to go riding with friends 2 days after surgery. I was in the hospital for 4 days and had help for 3 weeks and not one single offer or word from him for 6 weeks. I felt pretty confident he had someone else because his lack of interest in me had never been like this before. My first outing for drinks was a few weeks later and I was feeling pretty good both physically and mentally. He had been gone again for almost 2 months and I was determined to move on. We went out to a bar right by my house, we met some fun guys and I actually exchanged numbers with someone. No harm, no foul…I am a single woman, right? “HE” chose to walk out on me knowing the consequences. So I was single. Not by choice, but nonetheless, single. The very next day…there he is, on my phone. Texting me a song that made him think of me. I listened to the song and my mistake? I responded. Less than 2 weeks later I blew off the guy that I met and was talking about working things out with “him”, again. In the meantime, he’s sleeping with the neighbor and vacationing with his ex while I sit here like a fool thinking about how to make it right. How can I be so damn stupid? And, the pattern continued…

Funny enough, he has threatened to tell his version of our story. Why he threatens it I am unclear…I actually would welcome that. I’ve encouraged him to tell “his side” and what he accuses me of. I would love for him to ask around, accuse me of things and get the truth. He doesn’t want the truth because I don’t do the things he accuses me of and in his heart he knows that but he will never admit it. He projects like the typical narcissist. But the real reason he will never do it? Why he will never put it all out there… He can’t tell his version without telling on himself. He has multiple relationships going on, sadly. So he will continue with his current MO, which is just talk shit about me to his little group of friends who all believe what he says about me because they don’t know me well and they clearly don’t know the real him. Few know who he truly is, but I do. Those that do, and condone it, are no better. I am far from perfect here…I’ve been a real bitch, but not until I endured years of this abuse and manipulation from him. I hate that he has the ability to turn me into a version of a crazy bitch that I have no desire to be! He is furious I am telling my story and I don’t care. He can bad mouth me all he wants. I am no angel and there have been plenty of actions that I regret, but I have never cheated on him, ever. I don’t make any claim that he is 100% at fault but I have never let another man into my life and heart. He crossed the line that I never thought he would cross. I thought I was different…I thought I was special to him. I wasn’t.

I read something this morning that hit home with me in a pretty solid way. The childhood game of keep away, but in a much different sense than played before. To paraphrase: He will never cop to playing a game of any sort, so I must stop playing. I can’t bring up past things because he will always tell me I’m wrong, lying or crazy. I can’t expect him to acknowledge or take responsibility for anything because, according to him, he didn’t do it. He will occasionally pretend to make an effort but I will always pay the price for trying to bring the relationship to a “healthy” place. In the unconscious mind people like this are driven by a compulsion to make the partner feel as dirty and flawed as they feel inside. The fake acknowledgements and efforts are to keep us in the game. Wow. I just sat back and thought…this is so accurate. He is the master and I can’t win, so I forfeit this game.

To those who actually know me reading this, I hope you can support me and believe in me when it gets ugly because when he sees this and that I intend to write more, he will retaliate however he can without giving himself away. He has already warned me but I think this is my right to tell the story and maybe it helps someone else get out of a relationship that isn’t the healthiest. Maybe it helps somebody realize they are being played and they deserve more. I believe in my friends and family and have no concerns about his lies. For those reading this who don’t actually know me, I hope that you can recognize some of the things I share as feelings you have or may recognize in yourself or in someone you love. Reach out to your support system and get the help. Don’t sit in it alone, ask for support. This has been one of the hardest things for me recently, asking for support. I’ve never been one to bother people with my needs, I just figure it out. No more. People offer for a reason, take them up on it. My Mexico travel companion shared with me how it made her feel so filled up when she is able to help somebody in need and this is so true! Our friends offer because they love us, return the love by receiving what they have to offer. It will be a gift to both of you.

Thank you for hopping into my crazy world for a moment and taking in the words I share from my heart. Much love to all and I will get thru this!