Back to the Beginning, Why? Hope.

“Therefore gird up the loins of your mind and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”  – 1 Peter 1:13

I know I said I was going to take a short break because of a couple of haters – but I feel like that is a cop out.  I don’t care about those haters, nor do I care about blocking them.  Their sad lives are their sad lives and have zero bearing on me or my life.  So I am back and ready to take this to the next level and back to where the original intention was headed.

Lately, my blog has taken much more of a negative and sad direction than I ever intended. My first inclination was to apologize, but I’m not going to. I am going to accept it and say that what I am really seeing is this: E+R=O. Event plus response equals the outcome. This is where I am and this is what I accept and vow to change. Depression, anxiety and pain have taken over my mind, body and ultimately my life. I have been trying, but it’s not easy. I’ve really lost site of why I started this blog because things went from bad to worse after I began.  So I am back to the beginning; how many times to we have to re-start?  Doesn’t matter as long as we eventually get running and move toward our destination and desires.  I’ve read through so many notes today looking for my own inspiration and so many quotes that I have written down over time and so many that applied to my recent journey.  We always find those things that are critical to us at the right time.

A few of my favorites today:
Blaming steals your control.
Free your victim.
What choices are not loving you back?
Be in a committed relationship with your happiness.
Worry is a prayer for chaos.
We either make ourselves miserable or strong. It’s the same amount of work.
If you’re feeling helpless or hopeless, help someone else.
Fail Forward.
Every thought is an affirmation and a confirmation.
Everything we want is on the other side of fear.
If you’re living in the past, you’re depressed; if you are living in the future you’re anxious and if you are living in the present, you are grateful.

Yesterday, I broke a promise to a close friend who has been trying to be there for me and help me through these hard times.  My problem – I isolate.  I don’t want to share my problems.  There is a difference between writing about them and truly sharing them one on one.  I was supposed to attend church yesterday, something I haven’t done in quite some time.  I don’t love the church I currently have and I miss my church on the other side of town!  So lazily, and unfaithfully, I just don’t go.  Have you ever read the book of Peter?  Know anything about it?  We all get something different from the bible, but I believe we should all be getting the basic same idea.

1st Peter is one of the most hope filled books in the new testament.  It talks about new (and seasoned) believers and their reasons for hope, even in times of hopelessness and persecution proven because Christ was raised and living, showing that God is at work in the world!  This book tells how to live your life in Christ and helps you to understand what it means to live faithfully among people who ridicule and harass them.  There is hope if you show your faith.   Jesus Christ’s life and especially his suffering is used as an example of how they are to understand and bear their own sufferings as they seek to do God’s will.  Leaders are to care for their congregations (family and friends), all are to humble themselves before God and resist the devil and God will restore and establish you at the end.

My best summary for the beautiful words of the bible that don’t do it any justice.  I write this from reading scripture, together with many other things I have read today because I have lost hope although I always believe I still have faith.  It’s hard to have one without the other though, they go hand in hand and one relies on the other.  I didn’t attend church yesterday because I was scared of what I was going to hear and feel and that I might actually move toward progression.  I know what I NEED to hear and feel, but the fear of the reality of it is mortifying.  I am a believer and my Lord and Savior will be forever my comfort.  There have been many times in my life I have turned FROM Him and many times I have turned TO Him.  I am ready to let Him back into my heart, I am begging him to come back into my heart.  Soften it.  I am ready to open it up and let it bleed and let Him mend me. I am ready to lay this at his feet and take the advice so many have been giving me and I have been refusing because plain and simple, I wasn’t ready.  I have wallowed in self pity and haven’t known how to handle the anxiety and depression on my own and have been so blind that I couldn’t see the answer that was in front of my face.  This won’t be an overnight fix, I know, but every time I have ever opened up my heart and prayed for God to come in and heal me, He does.  I trust that He will help me through this and will bring me back to the happy, loving, faithful ME.

I got a great piece of advice from a girlfriend tonight that I called for advice on a homeless gentleman that I have gotten to know during my volunteer time and she knows me so well!  Dammit – how do these friends I hide from get to know me so dang good??  Haha!  She advised me to work on only what I can control.  NOT to get over-wrapped in something else I have no control over.  Meaning, don’t go from one thing I couldn’t control – my relationship, to another – a homeless group that I want to save.  This takes me back to one of the sayings I wrote above:  If you’re feeling hopeless or helpless, help someone else.  Well, I have always been a bit of an overachiever and I will take that the nth degreel if I am not careful!  I have to control my feelings and only focus on what I can control.  Something HUGE to remember.  Stop being a control freak, let life happen.

This message has been on my keyboard tray for 7 years.  Phil 4:6-7 – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Jesus Christ.”   I have read this daily for many, many years and this is literally my favorite scripture next to John 3:16 which is the scripture that allows us to enter into the kingdom of God.

I am on the rise my friends.  Maybe only an inch at a time, but like I wrote before this is about progress, not perfection.  My story is FAR from over and is not going to continue being the same sob story.  Don’t get me wrong – nothing is “fixed” and there will be a lot more tough times before the good ones come, but I am ready to fight again.  I am ready to be me, the fighter I was my entire life.  Not this pathetic whiner who can’t deal with life.  Life is life.  I will deal with it again.   I am seeing the path that I need to be following with my Lord and HE will heal me and get me to the right place in which I belong in my life.  Thank you goes to my family and friends.  Lexie Hawkins, Amy Bragaw, Brooke Berndt, Jen Theisen, Phillis Shimamoto and Erica Shields.  Your kindness, your support in each of your specific arenas in my life and your love is more appreciated than you know.  Thank you for sifting through the “crap” to get to a positive message and know that I am going to come out of this better than I have been, maybe ever.  I love you all!  God Bless!!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Loneliness is a Disease

“I still think that the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, just having no one…  That is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.”  -Mother Teresa.

Is this not the truth?  How many of you have ever felt unloved?  Lonely?  Completely and utterly alone?  This is something that I have suffered with for years.  Sometimes one, sometimes all of the above together.  The thirst for love is one that is not easily quenched.  Human beings were not made to be alone, God made us to love one another, to be companions for one another.  Yet, unfortunately a good portion of my life I have felt unloved and very much inadequate and alone.  The mind and heart are very tricky things!  You can KNOW in your head that you ARE adequate, you ARE loveable and what you deserve from others; yet in your heart, somehow, you feel something that causes you to accept things that you know are not ok.  I personally have allowed people to walk on me, to treat me with WAY LESS respect than I deserve for fear of being alone.  Being treated poorly was better than the alternative of being alone.  The fear of loneliness is paralyzing.

I have tried several times over the years to be realistic – knowing my relationship would probably never be what I wanted no matter how much I hoped and he promised.  I would try to meet other people in hopes I would fall for somebody that wanted the same thing I did.  It never happened, nobody has ever compared to Jason since the day I laid eyes on him.  That is to current day.  These people that I met, were just that – people I met.  Nothing ever came of any of it.  I exchanged phone numbers and then would never even return a text or a phone call.  Even years ago, when he lived with another woman or we were “broken up”, I felt like I was cheating on him.  I couldn’t and didn’t want to pursue anything with anyone else.  Boy did this annoy some of my friends!  Hahaha!  (Rightly so.)  And while we have had some amazing times, incredible passion and love like I’ve never felt before, he has also caused me more pain, anxiety, doubt and isolation than I ever knew possible.  I felt more alone with him that I ever did without him!  My love for him is much like an addiction.  I have not been able to walk away until now.  And even now, it’s going to be much like a rehab and I am not totally sure how I am going to do it.  Each day is hard, I miss my best friend.  I miss everything about him honestly, his eyes, his smile, his kiss, his smell.  It is hard to learn and accept that something you thought was for the rest of your life, is over.  I guess actually I shouldn’t assume what I, or our relationship meant to him, but the reality is that it’s over.  He could have stopped me from walking away but he didn’t – that said everything I needed to hear without a word being said.  I will tell you I am heart broken and this will be one day at a time.  And I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.  But what I will not miss is the misleading statements, broken promises, the distance between us in the closest relationship I’ve ever had, the hope that never came to fruition and being sad – and hurting.  When I have a decision to make, I always weigh the pros and cons.  Writing this list out was the worst pro/con list I’ve ever made.  It’s not fun to write negative things about the man you love.  Even as upset as I am, it still hurts and I still love him.  Keep your judgements to yourself, these are the facts.

This is not the first time that I have had a problem with trying to quench the thirst for love.  Most of my life has been a challenge with love, whether I wasn’t feeling loved or not accepting it. lt has made me crazy my entire life wondering why people don’t love me back. As a child, I was a very good child.  What’s not to love of a child; especially a good one?  I was scared to death that they wouldn’t want me anymore (because as discussed previously, that’s what abusers tell you) so I was an extremely well behaved child!  Now, as an adult, I am such a giver, still trying to please everyone and live by God’s word, even though I am far from it.  I love with all that I  have; I love with all of my heart.  My love is the biggest award I have to give to somebody, in my opinion.  Yet it’s like the elusive “A” that I would seek in biology class.  (I sucked at biology.)  You get so close, you may feel like you’ve got it locked down, but then poof.  It’s not what you thought it was; and you are suddenly confused by what has taken place, the crappy result that came from all of your efforts.  Here I am six years into a situation finding myself feeling this exact feeling.  What did I do wrong?  What is wrong with me?  How can these other people find what I’m looking for but I cannot?  I often doubt myself instead of just trusting.  I have so many amazing friends; so many people in my corner and an amazing maternal family.  I had a brother left, but apparently he’s decided to bail as well, so I have what I have and that’s that.  I will NEVER beg anyone for their love again.  EVER.  Love me or don’t, but dammit – I am amazing and you’d be luck to have me.  I am a good hearted, loving and giving person.  Those that want to read for the “dirt” on me for whatever reason and there are a couple of you that have contacted me – I feel sorry for you.  Get a handle on your own life, quit looking at mine.  If you started at the beginning, one of my conditions in sharing and being vulnerable with you was no judgement.  People have abused that, and think that they are better than me and a couple of messages I have gotten are unbelievable.  May God have mercy on your soul.  HE is the judge and jury, not YOU.  And believe me you will answer to Him.  To my caring, loyal friends and readers, I hope you’ll leave some comments letting those people know what this is about and what my sharing does for you.  Because that it is really why I started this.  How can the pain of my life be of betterment to somebody else?

This is a short blog post, I feel a lot of negativity from a lot of things that have been happening in my life lately and since I know there are people out there using this information against me, I will stop here for now until I get these IP addresses blocked.  I only have room for positive in my life.  If you don’t want to participate in that, you will hinder the progress for me and everyone that uses my blog as a way to deal with their own issues.  So you should be ashamed of yourself!  Do not bother me or get on my blog again.  You’re sad, sad souls and I want no part of you or your comments and I would bet you that my readers would feel the same way.  Until some clean up can be done and I can block some negativity, I take a SHORT break.  I shall return!  Soon!!  Thank you for all of my devoted friends that read my story and understand, empathize and relate.  I love you!  Your positive messages would be greatly appreciated so that these negative, pathetic souls know what damage they are doing.

Happy beginning of the holiday season to all of you – I plan for this to be my most positive holiday season is six years.  Period. This IS going to be amazing.  Watch, read and follow!!  Love to you!