Month: September 2016

If I don’t remember, it didn’t happen

Thanks for coming back!!  I must be saying something that interests you.  That’s great!  I hope you’ll keep following me because as I promised, this will be quite the story!

So in one of my early posts, I told you that I was very grateful for most of the memories from my early years.  Some I was not so happy about, some that are coming back to me – I didn’t even remember (subconscious protection I’m sure)!  For many years, I lived by this rule: If I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.  Anyone else ever tell yourself that?  Well guess what – it isn’t true!  It, whatever “it” may be, DID happen and chances are, there is a lasting affect on you whether it be positive or negative.  We do this to shield ourselves from many things in life – it’s our defense mechanism to “deal” with whatever has taken place.  It’s just a way of hiding out!

The real you cannot come through when you’re living in a false state of mind.  You’re doing yourself and those around you a disservice by hiding what’s inside of you.  You are loved and cared for as YOU.  The circumstances surrounding your life are what make you who you are, but they do not define you!  I am living proof of that.  So let’s pick up at a place in my life with some of the unlocked memories that have shaped me.

My favorite house ever – Mtn Grove, MO, about 60 miles south of Springfield, MO.  I started my school years there and attended Kindergarten, and part of first grade where I had my favorite teacher ever – Mrs. Coats.  She was so sweet and caring and she knew I didn’t have a normal home life.  I wasn’t with her for long before we moved.  I was the little girl who brushed her own hair in the morning because Mommy was sleeping.  Over my school years, Mom was notorious for getting up on the first day of school and doing my hair, but then never again.  She slept until noon every day.  My dad got me up every morning and fed me breakfast and then I walked down the hill to the bus.  I always wanted French braids or other cute things girls had, but instead I learned how to do my own hair barrettes evenly and this is probably when my OCD started!!  I would stand in the mirror until they were perfectly even on each side.  I eventually learned to do my own pig tails, but that was a little more challenging since the part HAD to be straight down the middle of the back and that was not easy for a 6 year old!  I learned to become quite independent at a very early age.  My mom liked to say that I was strong willed, but the truth was, I had to be.  I had not other choice but to do for myself and be strong; she wasn’t doing it for me.

In Kindergarten, I had my first boyfriend, Sonny Mead.  I chased him on the playground and kissed him on the forearm when I caught him!  I remember it like it was yesterday!!  (I’m pretty sure he let me catch him.)  This is also when I got my first pair of glasses!  Four eyes was a “fun” name!  Ha!!  Actually, it didn’t bother me – I was just learning that things were difficult and my insecurities were just about to be learned…luckily they weren’t embedded in me yet.  Not sounding so bad, really, right??  Remember, I said there were good and bad memories!  Some of these funny, some not so funny.

This beautiful, awesome house we lived in sat atop a hill on many acres with so much awesome wooded area, I loved exploring or going to the field with Dad or my middle brother Brian.  Dad began an addition to the house and I got to pick the colors for my room.  Pink paint for the walls and blue carpet on the floors.  Unfortunately, this home is where many of the worst memories of my life began.  This is also where my title comes from, and I blocked things out…if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen.  What became ongoing abuse began at the age of 5.  I have one memory of abuse in the house previously at 3 years old, but it’s hard to know if what you remember at 3 is real or not, but I’m pretty sure it was, especially after talking to my cousin last week.  Which means that 2 out of 3 brothers abused me.  There were a lot of mental instabilities in our house, clearly, nothing was really normal.  I would get so excited when we were having company because our family would “play normal” for the visit!  And this was just the beginning of the lack of normalcy!

There were also a lot of blind eyes in the house.  My oldest brother graduated and moved out, leaving 3 kids.  By 5 years old, my abuse was from one brother 11 years old, consistently.  I was threatened, as all abusers do, that if I told on him that I would be the one in trouble.  Mom would be mad at me and they would not want me anymore.  My parents were very religious and he would talk me into doing things I knew were wrong so he would have something over me.  I remember one day coming home and hiding behind a mattress leaning up against the wall in my room out of fear.  On the bus home that day, I put up my middle finger (although it was instigated by him and covered by my other hand so nobody saw except him and me) on the bus ride home.  He immediately told me he was telling Mom and Dad what a bad girl I was and she wasn’t going to want me.  Story after story, time after time.  Different scenarios all the time, but my abuser put fear into me that I was the bad one and I could never tell because then HE would tell on ME and again, I was the bad one.  This abuse went on until I was 8 years old when my family had severe trauma which I will also write about one day, but it put an end to the abuse for the most part for the next 3 years.  And guess what – I blocked it out.  I didn’t like my brother very much, but I didn’t think about all of the things that he had done to me for 4 years because I was a child and I was just happy I could play and not worry about him!  It didn’t resurface until I was about 15 years old and I will talk more about that another day as well.  But the point is, I blocked it out, and to me it didn’t happen for those 7 years.  When it came back, it hit with a vengeance!

To this day, manipulation is a difficult thing for me, it infuriates me.  I have no tolerance for manipulation or for liars.  Yet, somehow, I allowed one of the most manipulative people I’ve ever met into my life and now I am struggling to change it because of the stories.  With all of the difficulties I have had lately, this person chooses to manipulate me daily rather than support and love me and I am no longer allowing it.  I cut my mom out of my life 3 years before she died because she refused to support me and constantly did things that hurt me – on purpose.  I am finding this situation even harder than that to deal with, but I am dealing with it the best I know how.  The heart is a complicated thing, it argues with your head and you don’t win the battle within yourself until you really examine what is taking place, figure out what is true and what is false.  What is serving you and what is limiting you?  Do you feel good or do you feel bad?  Let yourself be aware of what is right and what is wrong.  When your gut tells you something is wrong, it probably is.  I knew as a child what was happening to me was wrong, but I was too scared to do anything about it.  Today, the situation is similar but different.

Please understand, this is not a venue to air my dirty laundry, or tell horrifying stories of abuse in my childhood or about poor choices I make in my relationships!  It is, however, a platform from which to take a stand and let people know that they should always believe in themselves, trust themselves and go with their gut!  Don’t doubt your intuition; whether you’re a child, an adult or indirectly involved in a situation.  Trust yourself, don’t adopt the theory “if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen” like I did.  Don’t block things out!  In addition, don’t ignore what’s right in front of your face!  Past, present and future – believe in yourself, believe in your knowledge and make that your power!  NEVER let anyone tell you that you’re crazy for believing that, or you’re exaggerating something or that it’s not a big deal.  If it makes you feel poorly in any way, it’s not ok and you need to change it.  We all have intuition, trust it.  You’ll thank yourself in the long run no matter how difficult it is now.

I hope this is taken in the way it is intended, for knowledge, power and healing.  My best wishes to all of you on your own journey in self discovery and remembering/dealing with things that may come to you.  God Bless, I’ll be back again soon!

How to Overcome Making a Poor Decision and Move on

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” -Flora Whittemore  

Choices…we are faced with so many day in and day out, it sometimes feel like trial and error.  How are you supposed to always know what’s right and what’s wrong?  Well, inherently, we usually do.  When you aware what the right choice to make is, yet you make the wrong choice, that is one of the hardest to come back from.  Today I find myself in this situation.

Are you aware of the impact your choices are making on your life and in the lives of those around you every day?  Are they truly representative of who you are?  Many of the choices we make day in and day out often get the least amount of thought, but are some of the most important things we do!  We just go through the motions every day and don’t think how our actions are affecting those around us which is a huge reflection on us.  And often not a true reflection!  We can make or break somebody’s day with one sentence.  We can let our anger, frustrations or our own hurt control our actions and hurt somebody else in the worst way.  Is that something you’d want to be known for?  We are human, theses things will happen from time to time.  But this should not be something you take lightly and brush off.  I’m not.  I have accepted what I said because I cannot change it, I have apologized for the hurt and confusion it caused simply because I was angry and feeling insecure about something.  Not a good lesson friends.  Not a proud moment.  But I am going to talk with you about how I will overcome this and not stay in this negative moment!

I told you this blog would not always be easy to read, so to imagine how I feel today, writing it.  I also asked that you not judge me.  All of those requests apply today.  I am human and I am sorry.  I have been physically fighting a stress migraine all day today from muscle spasms due to the tension.  I am so displeased and disappointed in myself it has physically made me ill!  Try those words on for size!  They don’t fit very well.  I have always had a bit of an issue with containing what I say, and being very outspoken, but I never mean to hurt anyone.  I will say that with maturity and learning God’s love and grace, these instances have become very few and far between.

The point of today’s blog:  Overcoming poor decision making.

  • First, take full responsibility for your choices and actions.  Do not pretend it didn’t happen and it will all blow over because it won’t.  It will always be inside of you until you understand and forgive yourself.
  • Second, understand why you made the decision you made.  Do not make excuses, but understand WHY you made the choice you made.  Somebody may have hurt you, multiple times, or done things to push your buttons, make you look like a fool, etc; but that does not give YOU the right to belittle them or make them feel poorly in any way. Understanding why you did what you did can help you make the right decision if ever faced with the situation again.
  • Third, apologize and explain to the person(s) you’ve hurt or that were affected by your decision.  Again, this is not to make excuses, but to hopefully explain what you realized in #2 and help you all understand it won’t happen again and move forward.
  • Fourth, focus on the now.  The poor decision and the repercussions have already happened.  Be present in your life, look at the positive you are doing because dwelling on the past will not do anybody any good.
  • Fifth and finally, be proactive in your understanding and take action to be sure you do not repeat this behavior.  Review the words in your head before they come out of your mouth!  Read and re-read a message before you send it.  How would receiving the words you’re about to deliver make you feel?  If it is anything other than good or positive, you should probably re-think that you are saying.

Have the brains to know what is right and what is wrong.  Have the confidence to know when something is about you and when it’s not.  Have the humility to say when you are wrong,  apologize and attempt to make amends, even if it is not well or at all received.  That is part of your action – you have to live with the consequences.  Don’t make the same mistake I did where you put your own ego first.  Always look at people with love and respect, in ANY situation and you will never be in THIS situation.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will focus on these 5 steps.  (1-3 have already been done.) Tomorrow I will be positive and live in the present and work on being proactive for prevention.  I will be aware of, but not dwell on, the past and I will overcome this situation with grace and a valuable lesson learned.  Thank you for coming back again, have a blessed and happy Friday night.

Be YOU. Period.

Today, melt down city by 10am!!  What?  Why?  Ugh.  And guess what – it went on most of the day.  (I feel great now…) That melt down (anxiety attack) forced me to pull off the road and practice breathing techniques from meditation and has been followed up by two others and a LOT of tears since then but I am not fighting it.  I’ve got to work through the tears, through the pain, through the discomfort of everything that has been happening in my life lately.  Sometimes when you get full, things blow and there is no way around it – you have to burrow right smack through the middle of it.  I’m doing it.  I’m so uncomfortable I can’t even explain it to you!  On the up side, when I make it to the other side of this mountain of crap, I will be whole again for the first time in many, many years – maybe the first time ever, who knows.  This time, it’s about me.  Not my mom, not a husband, not my daughter, not a boyfriend, not a client, not my boss, not a stranger, not a friend.  Me.  Selfish?  No, I don’t think so and I hope you can recognize that.  Anyone that knows me, knows I am anything but selfish.  I would do anything for damn near anyone that needed it.  If you do not know me, but are reading this, do not judge me util we get much further down the road.  I cannot lead any of you that are looking to me for guidance or inspiration or whatever it is you’re looking for if I, myself, am not being ME.  Somebody commented that they thought I seemed to have it all together…well, truly I don’t; yet at the same time I absolutely do.  I am well on my way and I will make every person supporting me proud, I promise!  I hope to God I am able to change some lives along with mine!

My poor trainer today…had to deal with my meltdown, as I was on my way to work with him today when it all started hitting me.  I pulled over, unable to breath, tears running down my face in a panic.  I almost called him and cancelled, but I knew he would never accept that.  He saved me today. Well, he helped me save myself.   Thank you, you are more than a trainer, you are my friend.  A very caring soul, I worked with him years ago and he took me to the peak of my fitness!  Now that I am physically getting stronger and able again, I have been blessed to be able to spend time with him again lately and I know eventually I will get back there with his help because he believes in me.  So huge to just have somebody that supports you through whatever the struggle is that day and I’ve had a lot lately.  Pain, disability, anxiety, loss, etc.  He helps me with the mental muscle as much as the body muscle, some days even more so!  Today, I would not have made it through the day without him and our work which started on the floor stretching and talking.  Have you ever been so appreciative of someone that helps you and they have no idea how much they really and truly just did for you with just a few kind and supportive words?  That’s how I felt today.  He gave me some very simple words – the best ones being something that he told me he learned from his 8 year old daughter the past 10 days while on a trip together seeing his father fighting for his life.  My title:  Be you.  Be you, unapologetically, authentically – you.  Never doubt who you are, have a childlike faith in yourself!  Do you see kids worrying about what another kid thinks of their shirt or their legs??  No way!  That’s just silly, so why do we do it as adults?  This is learned behavior, and not a good one.  Never worry about who someone thinks you should be, or how they think you should look; that’s not important.  This is a lesson that I am finally learning at 45 years old!  Sound simple doesn’t it?  When you’ve worried your whole life about pleasing people and making sure everyone around you is happy and taken care of – you can easily lose yourself and not know HOW to be yourself.

Today, I was asked this simple question:  what is something you enjoy doing and haven’t done in a while?  My response was:  “I don’t know.”  Really?  I don’t know what I like to do anymore??  What the heck is going on in my life that I don’t know what I would want to do?  I know I enjoy helping others feel good about themselves and get on track to a healthy and happy life!  But I do that every day and thank God for that blessing of being able to help others, or I would really be lost right now.  For years, it has been work, gym, dinner, bed – repeat.  Work got overwhelming, it took over my life.  My health began to decline due to long hours and non-stop travel.  I couldn’t stay strong because there was no energy or time left for the gym!  I’ve been fighting this for two years now.  It sucked the good life out of me and now I am taking some time off trying to deal with that and get my mind back.  When you have to be worried about taking off work to handle doctor appointments, physical therapy, or desperate family matters – there is something wrong!  I am looking for positive influence, I need to stay busy with things that insure no anxiety attacks pull me down for the day – yet I don’t seem to know what those things are!  That is INSANE to me!!

So you can imagine what I am going to be doing this evening – making a list of my favorite activities that I have forgotten about or putting off!  I will be putting this on paper and creating my “bucket list” if you will.  I will share it when I get it completed!  Someone else that was once very close to me told me over the weekend that after a dramatic loss it made them realize what is important and they created their own bucket list.  That’s actually where I got the idea to call it that.  I’m really proud of this person to be honest because they were on a path of destruction for the past few years and this made them realize the hurt they were causing others with the behavior, and it had to stop.  They also realized what is important in life and have changed their priorities.  If you happen to read this, know that I am proud of you; and while the way you hurt me will ever be erased, knowing that you’ve decided to change your habits makes me really happy for you.  So, creating the list is only step 1.  As I stated before, you can be as informed as you want, but if you don’t do something with that information, you’ll never move.  I repeat – if you want something different, do something different.  This is different for me and I am on it!!

So, who’s reading my blog?  Who will do this with me?  I would challenge you to do the same if you’ve forgotten what is important to you.  Do you know what things you love to do but don’t do because your every day grind has gotten you out of the habit?  Do you make yourself a priority in your own life, or do you take care of everybody around you and neglect yourself the way I have?  I thank God for my daughter and for each of you, and my besties; for without you right now, my life would not seem to have a lot of purpose.  My ability to help people find their passion, find their health or potentially find a way to pay their mounting bills brings me more joy and fulfillment than anything else right now.  My intention right now is to find this kind of joy for myself over an undefined amount of time, because I don’t know how long something like this takes!  I just know that I am pleased with myself and for the first time in a very long time – I will be putting myself first, making ME happy and building myself up to better serve YOU!  So if you’re willing to do this with me – comment on this post!  You don’t have to tell me your bucket list if you don’t want to, but I’d love to know that this resonates with somebody and somebody may make a change for themselves because of something I said.  Please share with me, grow with me and let’s make a difference for each other, together!

Another post done and another “therapy” session in the books.  I can’t tell you how much better this makes me feel as it is constantly reminding me that there is A LOT of good and positive in my life.  I just need to focus on it!  My love to you all!  Tomorrow – I think I’ll share a fun childhood story…stay tuned!

Attitude of Gratitude

This afternoon when I logged into an online program that I do every single day, this quote was there and completely changed the topic on which I had intended to write!  Read these words and think for a moment before you read further.

“Develop an attitude of Gratitude and give thanks for everything that happens to you, knowing that every step forward is a step toward achieving something bigger and better than your current situation.”  -Brian Tracy

WOW, just wow!  Does this make anybody else sit up and take note?  It certainly did me.  I had a couple of meetings today where I was casually discussing things that are happening in my life right now and stresses/circumstances that have caused me a lot of issue and where I am headed now.  Life is not meant to be full of worry and stress, yet few of us truly trust in the Lord enough to live a stress-free life.  We can try, but we aren’t always successful, no matter how much we believe and trust in our loving God.  It’s unfortunately human nature and all we can do is practice and keep trying because we will never be perfect!

As I began really thinking about this, I realized that for the past few years, I have been failing miserably at “life”.  Sure, there have been a lot of successes and accomplishments; a lot of really great experiences to be proud of, but overall I have not done life justice.  God graced us with this incredible heart, body and mind that are each capable of amazing things, IF you allow them.  We live in a big world full of adventure and beautiful things to see and do.  Again, IF you make it happen.  Living is not just breathe going into your body and blood pumping through your veins; living is a privilege and we should honor God and thank him daily by doing the things that he intended for us.  Feel the sunshine on your face, the grass in your toes.  We should be living and loving with this heart, exercising and helping others with the body and using our minds to dream as big as the world and as far as the eye can see with ways to show how grateful we are to him.  Sounds like common sense, easy – right?  Well, I am the first to admit that it is not that simple!  Instead, I tend to worry about things, I get grouchy and I don’t live, love or appreciate the way I should.  I don’t allow Him to work in my life without resistance.  Too many unhealthy and unwelcome thoughts and experiences are in my life!  I have vowed to change this…with all my heart and soul – I am bettering myself and leaving behind many old ways.  If you’re not good for me, you will not be allowed to take up real estate in my head!  If you’re not good TO me, you will not be allowed in my life, period.

I think that many of us don’t come from a place of gratitude, too often.  Instead of being grateful for the job I have, I let it stress me out beyond measure and wreak havoc in my mind and life.  Instead of being grateful for that paycheck, I complained that it isn’t market value.  Instead of being grateful for the relationship I had, I complained because it wasn’t exactly the way I wanted it.  I didn’t get enough time, I wasn’t valued the way I valued him.  When in reality, in every single one of those situations, I should have been grateful.  If you can take a moment to look at things differently and just be in gratitude, your view is so different and hopeful.  I could have taken a different stance and maybe all of these areas in my life would have turned out differently and I wouldn’t be single again, but then again maybe not.  Sometimes God’s plan is just that – his plan and not for us to question.  The only thing that I know for sure, is that it is not too late and I can make the changes I want to see in my life, beginning now.

Making changes in your life is not easy.  Ending a long term relationship (no matter how rocky it’s been) is not easy.  Believing that you’re doing the right thing, is not easy.  Life – is not easy.  But that is part of the beauty, and where we really learn.  This will help slowly build my confidence back to where it belongs.  I have learned some valuable lessons and while many of them hurt like hell, I will persevere and come out on top.  I will find the joy and happiness again that God has been saving for me.  I believe that he is waiting for me to get my act together, trust him and allow him to lead this dance, not me.  I wanted certain things so badly for myself that I couldn’t see how wrong it really was for me.  I’ve done this a lot throughout my life.  I’ve repeated this pattern over and over again.  If you caught my FB Live last night then you know – I’ve realized the patterns I keep repeating and they aren’t good ones!

I am a very caring person, although I often hide it because I don’t want to be vulnerable.  Being vulnerable in my house was never a good thing.  I always root for the underdog because I was the underdog growing up.  I have known most of my life that I have to do for myself because nobody is going to do it for me.  I grew up believing that I needed to be the best little girl I could be because I didn’t want them to send me away.  I already felt like something was wrong with me or my mother wouldn’t have given me away, so I had to be extra good to get to stay with my new family.  I had nightmares as a child, I remember back to age 3, waking up crying and being so scared I wasn’t pleasing these people that were my family.  I don’t even know how to explain to you the fear and pressure and uncertainty I felt as a child!  I became more of an adult by age 8 than a lot of people I know today.  I don’t tell you this to make you feel sorry for me, I am an amazingly well adjusted and “normal” person today, and especially for the life I’ve lived!  I tell you this so you’ll possibly understand the misconceptions you may have about yourself and to help you understand that you are good enough, just the way you are.  God knows every hair on your head and all of your imperfections – he created you this way.  You are exactly as he wanted you and so am I.  Here’s to growing together and conquering our fears and issues.  I am grateful for the platform from which I am able to share my life with you and that you are out there, supporting me and loving me.  Thank you all!  I promise you that bigger, better things are coming than are in my current situation, which isn’t too bad at all!  I have much to be grateful for.  Until next time!  Have an attitude of gratitude and see where it takes you!  God Bless.

Silence the Liar with Truth

How do we define success?  Webster’s says it’s “the correct or desired result of an attempt”.  If we asked ten people what success means to them, we would get ten different answers.  For me, success means living the life I want to live freely and happily, and being able to share with family and friends to do the same!  I am a very capable, respected and accomplished professional in corporate America and have been for 23 years, so why would I not be able to conquer this goal too?  What stands in the way of this kind of freedom?  Displaced lies and fear!  A belief that somehow I don’t deserve it.  The doubt and fear of my ability to succeed.  Why is this?  Why would I not have full and true confidence in myself since I have succeeded in so many other areas?  Do you recognize the false truths in your life?  Have you told yourself stories that aren’t true and are holding you back from living your best life?  I believe that we all do this to an extent; a subconscious attempt at protection.  We can be so paralyzed by our fears of failure that we never even try!  For me, I have been afraid of connecting with people, trusting them and letting them see the real me.  That it has held me back in a lot of areas!  I have read so many self help and confidence building books, and I know HOW to correct many of these behaviors, but I haven’t done the work!  The fears of abandonment and rejection are very real for me.  This blog is my way of starting the work that I need to put in to live the life I want to live!  Here is a little bit about me and some of the lies that I have silenced by finding the truths.

I was born August 29, 1971 at 7:31 am in Corpus Christi, TX in the Nueces County Hospital.  My biological mother, Linda Babin and my biological father Jesse Cerna.  Young, unstable parents (your average 70’s hippies) that were not able to care for me.  That didn’t mean they didn’t love me, but they didn’t have the tools required to raise a child and I was put up for adoption.  At 7 days old, I went home with Art and Ruth Lemasters as a foster child.  My first and only family; they gave up their fostering license and adopted me.  They had 3 boys of their own and it was a full house!  I was the youngest of the 4 kids, the boys were much older than me at 7, 11 and 13 (I believe those ages are right) when I joined the family.  On one hand I am so grateful and thankful that I did not become part of the “system” and bounce from home to home yet on the other hand I wonder if I would have had a better, more “normal” life somewhere else.  False truth #1, my life would have been different, probably not better.  Of course we all wonder that to some extent, don’t we?  The “what if’s” of life, right?

My adoption answered the age old question of nature vs nurture for me.  Definitely nature, because there was very little nurture in my life!  I began believing that I didn’t need to be nurtured (false truth #2) and became quite guarded throughout my life.  I was told that as a little girl, I was Mom’s little buddy but my actual memories are of being outside in the pasture with Dad feeding the cows or riding the tractor while he bailed hay.  I often got in trouble for playing in the pig pen because I didn’t realize how protective a sow is with her babies!  Watching Dad work on anything in the garage was one of my favorite things to do!  Whether he was building a piece of furniture or changing the oil in the car, I just wanted to be there with him.  I do remember helping Mom make biscuits, I always got to cut them out.  To this day, I can whip up a batch of homemade biscuits with no recipe, although I haven’t done it in years!

We moved to Southern Missouri when I was 4.  My parents didn’t want me to grow up being “brown” where they considered it to be a racist area in TX at the time, against darker skin color.  I was different – false truth #3 – I had darker skin, I was not different.  We lived on farms growing up, as you probably gathered already, and it was a lot of work!  There was always something to be done and always something to explore!  It was really quite fun and I am grateful for most of the memories I have from my younger years.  This was the first of many, many moves I would experience as a child.  I lived in at least 12 houses and 4 states with my parents by the time I was 17.  There was a period where we were homeless, living out of our van and a camper in the middle of the National Forest in Mississippi, but that will be another entry all in itself!

I don’t remember the day my parents sat me down and told me I was adopted, I just always knew I wasn’t theirs (false truth #4, I WAS theirs, they chose me) and that I had other parents.  I went through a lot of feelings about this growing up.  The little bit of information that I had on them included tidbits such as my mother was beautiful, was musically inclined and played the guitar; my father was Native American – mostly true and my mother certainly is beautiful!  I also learned some false truths about them.  I grew up believing that my mother didn’t want me and that my biological father unsuccessfully tried to stop the adoption and wanted to raise me himself. Seriously false truth #5!!  (Years later, I would learn that these things were not true and I will share more around that another day.)  Growing up believing that your mother doesn’t want you can really damage your mind and your heart but not your ability to love.  I used to make up stories about who my biological father was, but not my mother, because I believed she didn’t want me (false truth #6).  I lived in a fantasy land where these ideas were concerned and dreamed of one day finding them both.

I’ve lived with a lot of lies in my head all of my life that have hindered my ability to let people in, to care about me, to care about them…to allow feelings at all.  I have trust issues, I am afraid anyone good that comes into my life will leave me or stop caring.  These are all very real things for me because they have in fact happened, but they no longer define me.  I am overcoming every single one of these false truths, one at a time.  I am tearing down the heart walls and will be the definition of success that I want to be!  I will love and be loved.  I will trust and be trusted.  My point today is that you don’t have to let your circumstances determine who you are.  Take those experiences, accept them and learn from them.  Sure, I could have grown up very differently.  I could have allowed myself to feel like a victim my entire life because “my parents didn’t want me” or because my mom didn’t nurture me.  Remember, nobody puts value on you except YOU.  Who do you want that to be?  Are you somebody that you are proud of?  Rise above your circumstances or whatever is holding you back right now and do something great!  What is your value?  Show the world your value – make them believe in you as much as you believe in yourself.  Start with you.  Love yourself, trust yourself and know that you are enough.  That is the truth.

 

Why? Where do I begin…

I recently heard a quote that has been playing over and over in my head.  “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you discover why.”  I’m not even sure who originally said it because I’ve heard it so many times lately!  Another one replaying in my head – “if you want something different, DO something different”.  So guess what…

My life has not been a bed of roses lately (or ever) and it is past time for me to take a look in the mirror at what circumstances, both allowed and forced upon me, in my life are and have been robbing me of my full potential and ultimate bliss.   While walking my dog, Ollie, today – I was listening to a podcast by two of my favorite mentors and even though I have heard it before it hit me like a ton of bricks about 15 minutes into the hour long session.  So much so, that I came home from the walk, packed up my computer and notebook and headed off to a quiet place outside the home to work.  I often find too many distractions to accomplish what I really need to do at home.  I knew it was time for me to start telling my story…from the beginning.  (People that have heard excerpts from my life say it’s a Lifetime Movie!!)  I sat down with my berry drink and began researching different blogging sites and asking a lot of questions online.  Here I am 3-4 hours later, armed with knowledge, which equals power, and am ready to share!  I have blogged before, but not for a positive, effective outcome.  Today is for good.  Today is the beginning of a story that I hope you will all want to hear!  I hope every single person reading my words can relate in some way or gain some useful pieces of information from what I am going to put onto “paper”.

Most of you know me as a very private person, and know I do not share a lot of information about my life, so this will be stepping outside of my comfort zone into the place where they say “the magic happens”.  I am trusting that with God leading my hands to type these words, that will be the exact result, magic.  For you and for me.  This blog will not always be sunshine and roses, because that’s not how life truly is, and it certainly isn’t how my life has been.  BUT, what it will be is real; and honest; and open.  I will show hope and promise!  I intend to not only share with you where I am at today, but where I came from and where I am going.  And that my friends, is to the TOP!  It won’t always be easy to read, so imagine how I will feel typing it.  One thing I have learned lately is not to judge someone else and what their behavior is, as it likely not a true representation of who they are, but what they are going through; so be kind.  So I ask that as you read my most private, and sometimes mortifying times of my life, you do so with an open mind and heart and not criticize; nobody is perfect.

I am scared and excited to share with you!!  I have struggled for years to really understand who I am and why I am on this earth.  Why don’t I know my why?  Is something wrong with me?  Am I just not loveable?  Don’t I deserve happiness too? I will explore that with you, and hope to help you understand why you, too, are here and why I KNOW that we all deserve ALL of these things!  I hope you will follow me through this journey and learn with me as I begin to share my story with you of being a foster child, adoption, abuse, meeting my biological parents, marriage(s), motherhood, corporate America, and then starting over at age 40 to present day at 45 years young and ready to be in the top 2%!

Please let me know your feedback!  If any of these things resonate with you, let me know that!  I want to provide value as well as therapeutic words.  This is not about me.  This is about who I can help.  Who else may feel some of these same feelings of inadequacy and abandonment that I grew up with?  Who could benefit from knowing – you’re not the only one?  Love to you all…more to come!