Friends, let me tell you…writing a blog and being angry is HARD!!! I have written and re-written this draft over the past few weeks. I have contemplated scrapping it all together, but am choosing to post and live in and feel my truth. I will apologize now for this not being quite as eloquent as I like to write. I am pissed! I am hurt! I am venting. I am telling my story. I am dying inside from a broken heart, so bear with me through this post as I want it to be me – raw and real, and 100% honest. I know “some” may think this post belongs in a journal more than my blog; but sometimes, life is messy and that’s that. I’m not going to sensor myself to satisfy anyone else. Basically, if you don’t like what I have to say then stop reading my blog.
When I last wrote, I wrote of the way I had been so sorely mistreated, cheated on and lied to, and the turmoil that I have lived in for 11 years. I then made a public “blast” on social media declaring the changes I was making in my world. Unfortunately, the person on the other end of my story was less than pleased with what I shared with the world, even though it was extremely mild and not even close to the level of detail I could or probably should give, but probably never will. “It’s embarrassing.” “You did this so my family would see it.” “You’re just trying to start trouble for me.” “You just want sympathy.” “You’re a liar.” …and on and on it went, along with threats like “I’ll knock your teeth out”, “You’ll wish you’d never met me” – should I decide to post any more. I don’t care what he says, thinks or does at this stage and he won’t stop me from telling our story. If he thinks that I am not already sorry I met him, reading this will correct his misconception. I’ve never regretted anything so much in my life as I do believing his lies. My intent is to tell my story, where we are both at fault, not necessarily to smear his name. He is such a narcissist, he believes this blog is for his demise…which is pretty sad in itself…because that is really not the case. You, the reader, will form your own thoughts from what I write and he is assuming it won’t go his way, which is probably a decent bet. Anyway, this is part of my life story…as are the other ~30 posts that are not about him. So, on we go…
Needless to say the past couple of months have been really, really hard for me. I’m not sure I’ve ever felt pain that compares. I have a little emotional whiplash from all the back and forth, the lies, and the new discoveries. Yes, I did take myself on a couple of trips to relax, but I didn’t have a lobotomy! Apparently, the mind holds onto the most ragged, painful footage and replays it on a loop, even at the beach, much to my dismay. Enter tequila!! I mean, it’s vacation, come on! I am not going to lie, I did try to drink my worries away a time or two while on vaca, but I am not the kind of person that can just bury the hurt anymore. I lived a lot of my years practicing this and while it worked as a younger woman, the hurt would manifest itself in numerous other ways in my body, therefore, I do not feel it is a wildly successful method I would recommend to others. Talking…crying…talking…get angry…more talking…more crying…this is a pattern that seems to produce some benefit! I didn’t do any crying in MX, but we did a fair amount of talking and I did a ton of thinking. “How do I get thru this? Is he right? Was this my fault? What if it really wasn’t what it seems? Am I sure I’m done? Maybe I can I get over this and how can I still make it work?” Yes, you read that right. I am ashamed to admit, I have considered and thought about how I could still make it work. That is what 11 years of loving a narcissist and being trauma bonded with somebody will do to you.
I have grown a lot over the past couple of years while we have been apart more than we were together. During that time, I studied a lot of different things…tactics, situations, self-help, etc. Information overload!! Our time apart allowed me to realize the confidence I let him take from me is still in there and I do not have to live in constant unrest and turmoil, but it hasn’t stopped me from missing the things about him that I loved. I truly loved him and I have tried so many practices to get him out of my system to no avail. I am, however, a little smarter now and my head can outsmart my heart to look for the things I cannot let go of. So, I found the PROOF…things I couldn’t unsee and things he was unable to lie his way out of…like catching him with another woman and pictures of him vacationing with his “ex” and their kid! SURPRISE! Who knew they were still playing family?? Not me and not the neighbor he was sleeping with! So me writing about our situation and his antics got me the threats as I already mentioned, but they can put up pics of “family” vacation and let ME look like the unknowing fool?! What in the actual fuck is that??? I guess he believes that being presented with such pictures gave me no heartburn or embarrassment at all. His response/justification – “There’s nothing romantic between us.” “We only co-parent.” “She doesn’t even use social media.” I’d like to believe it’s innocent but come on…he has her stringing along just the same as he has had me and God knows who else. What he never accounts for is her lack of restraint for sharing these photos online, hoping that I will see them. She plays these games for my benefit which is fine, I have dealt with it for years, because her man left her for me…but the joke is on me because he then left me too, for the trailer trash neighbor. Let’s add a twist…the neighbor trash that he was sleeping with (yep, that’s 3 women) is the one who pointed me to the sweet family pictures asking me what the deal is. Can you say shady, lying narcissist?! The new girlfriend asking the old girlfriend about the baby mama. Let that sink in for a moment. That’s who we’re dealing with here.
The number of lies that have surfaced this summer are just unbelievable. He is truly living multiple lives and I feel like maybe I ever even knew him. Whether I did or I didn’t, I am grieving what I believed we had. Remember, I loved him and I gave him ALL of me, even if he didn’t reciprocate. It’s hard to break up with your best friend. This is what gets me the most I think. We talked all the time, but he was repeating himself or swearing he told me something he didn’t tell me. It became clear to me he was talking to somebody else, but he denied it of course. He swore to me he hadn’t been with anyone since we split up and he didn’t want another woman, didn’t need another woman. I could tell…this time, it just didn’t flow like it used to and too much hurt has been done. He let another woman into his world and there’s really no coming back from that for me. Looking back, the signs were all there but we’d been in that place so many times before and we always found our way back. Not this time, he was different and now I know why. One word: Heather.
He wasn’t there for a life threatening and life changing surgery I had in March. I told him I would not have anything to do with him if he wasn’t there and he made his choice and it wasn’t me. I went thru surgery and the first 6 weeks of healing, without a word from him beyond making sure I was alive the first night. His last text I just didn’t respond to so the communication dropped. He didn’t even try again. That’s not love. Later, he tried to tell me he was so sick and couldn’t visit me, but he was well enough to go riding with friends 2 days after surgery. I was in the hospital for 4 days and had help for 3 weeks and not one single offer or word from him for 6 weeks. I felt pretty confident he had someone else because his lack of interest in me had never been like this before. My first outing for drinks was a few weeks later and I was feeling pretty good both physically and mentally. He had been gone again for almost 2 months and I was determined to move on. We went out to a bar right by my house, we met some fun guys and I actually exchanged numbers with someone. No harm, no foul…I am a single woman, right? “HE” chose to walk out on me knowing the consequences. So I was single. Not by choice, but nonetheless, single. The very next day…there he is, on my phone. Texting me a song that made him think of me. I listened to the song and my mistake? I responded. Less than 2 weeks later I blew off the guy that I met and was talking about working things out with “him”, again. In the meantime, he’s sleeping with the neighbor and vacationing with his ex while I sit here like a fool thinking about how to make it right. How can I be so damn stupid? And, the pattern continued…
Funny enough, he has threatened to tell his version of our story. Why he threatens it I am unclear…I actually would welcome that. I’ve encouraged him to tell “his side” and what he accuses me of. I would love for him to ask around, accuse me of things and get the truth. He doesn’t want the truth because I don’t do the things he accuses me of and in his heart he knows that but he will never admit it. He projects like the typical narcissist. But the real reason he will never do it? Why he will never put it all out there… He can’t tell his version without telling on himself. He has multiple relationships going on, sadly. So he will continue with his current MO, which is just talk shit about me to his little group of friends who all believe what he says about me because they don’t know me well and they clearly don’t know the real him. Few know who he truly is, but I do. Those that do, and condone it, are no better. I am far from perfect here…I’ve been a real bitch, but not until I endured years of this abuse and manipulation from him. I hate that he has the ability to turn me into a version of a crazy bitch that I have no desire to be! He is furious I am telling my story and I don’t care. He can bad mouth me all he wants. I am no angel and there have been plenty of actions that I regret, but I have never cheated on him, ever. I don’t make any claim that he is 100% at fault but I have never let another man into my life and heart. He crossed the line that I never thought he would cross. I thought I was different…I thought I was special to him. I wasn’t.
I read something this morning that hit home with me in a pretty solid way. The childhood game of keep away, but in a much different sense than played before. To paraphrase: He will never cop to playing a game of any sort, so I must stop playing. I can’t bring up past things because he will always tell me I’m wrong, lying or crazy. I can’t expect him to acknowledge or take responsibility for anything because, according to him, he didn’t do it. He will occasionally pretend to make an effort but I will always pay the price for trying to bring the relationship to a “healthy” place. In the unconscious mind people like this are driven by a compulsion to make the partner feel as dirty and flawed as they feel inside. The fake acknowledgements and efforts are to keep us in the game. Wow. I just sat back and thought…this is so accurate. He is the master and I can’t win, so I forfeit this game.
To those who actually know me reading this, I hope you can support me and believe in me when it gets ugly because when he sees this and that I intend to write more, he will retaliate however he can without giving himself away. He has already warned me but I think this is my right to tell the story and maybe it helps someone else get out of a relationship that isn’t the healthiest. Maybe it helps somebody realize they are being played and they deserve more. I believe in my friends and family and have no concerns about his lies. For those reading this who don’t actually know me, I hope that you can recognize some of the things I share as feelings you have or may recognize in yourself or in someone you love. Reach out to your support system and get the help. Don’t sit in it alone, ask for support. This has been one of the hardest things for me recently, asking for support. I’ve never been one to bother people with my needs, I just figure it out. No more. People offer for a reason, take them up on it. My Mexico travel companion shared with me how it made her feel so filled up when she is able to help somebody in need and this is so true! Our friends offer because they love us, return the love by receiving what they have to offer. It will be a gift to both of you.
Thank you for hopping into my crazy world for a moment and taking in the words I share from my heart. Much love to all and I will get thru this!