Thanks for coming back!! I must be saying something that interests you. That’s great! I hope you’ll keep following me because as I promised, this will be quite the story!
So in one of my early posts, I told you that I was very grateful for most of the memories from my early years. Some I was not so happy about, some that are coming back to me – I didn’t even remember (subconscious protection I’m sure)! For many years, I lived by this rule: If I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. Anyone else ever tell yourself that? Well guess what – it isn’t true! It, whatever “it” may be, DID happen and chances are, there is a lasting affect on you whether it be positive or negative. We do this to shield ourselves from many things in life – it’s our defense mechanism to “deal” with whatever has taken place. It’s just a way of hiding out!
The real you cannot come through when you’re living in a false state of mind. You’re doing yourself and those around you a disservice by hiding what’s inside of you. You are loved and cared for as YOU. The circumstances surrounding your life are what make you who you are, but they do not define you! I am living proof of that. So let’s pick up at a place in my life with some of the unlocked memories that have shaped me.
My favorite house ever – Mtn Grove, MO, about 60 miles south of Springfield, MO. I started my school years there and attended Kindergarten, and part of first grade where I had my favorite teacher ever – Mrs. Coats. She was so sweet and caring and she knew I didn’t have a normal home life. I wasn’t with her for long before we moved. I was the little girl who brushed her own hair in the morning because Mommy was sleeping. Over my school years, Mom was notorious for getting up on the first day of school and doing my hair, but then never again. She slept until noon every day. My dad got me up every morning and fed me breakfast and then I walked down the hill to the bus. I always wanted French braids or other cute things girls had, but instead I learned how to do my own hair barrettes evenly and this is probably when my OCD started!! I would stand in the mirror until they were perfectly even on each side. I eventually learned to do my own pig tails, but that was a little more challenging since the part HAD to be straight down the middle of the back and that was not easy for a 6 year old! I learned to become quite independent at a very early age. My mom liked to say that I was strong willed, but the truth was, I had to be. I had not other choice but to do for myself and be strong; she wasn’t doing it for me.
In Kindergarten, I had my first boyfriend, Sonny Mead. I chased him on the playground and kissed him on the forearm when I caught him! I remember it like it was yesterday!! (I’m pretty sure he let me catch him.) This is also when I got my first pair of glasses! Four eyes was a “fun” name! Ha!! Actually, it didn’t bother me – I was just learning that things were difficult and my insecurities were just about to be learned…luckily they weren’t embedded in me yet. Not sounding so bad, really, right?? Remember, I said there were good and bad memories! Some of these funny, some not so funny.
This beautiful, awesome house we lived in sat atop a hill on many acres with so much awesome wooded area, I loved exploring or going to the field with Dad or my middle brother Brian. Dad began an addition to the house and I got to pick the colors for my room. Pink paint for the walls and blue carpet on the floors. Unfortunately, this home is where many of the worst memories of my life began. This is also where my title comes from, and I blocked things out…if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen. What became ongoing abuse began at the age of 5. I have one memory of abuse in the house previously at 3 years old, but it’s hard to know if what you remember at 3 is real or not, but I’m pretty sure it was, especially after talking to my cousin last week. Which means that 2 out of 3 brothers abused me. There were a lot of mental instabilities in our house, clearly, nothing was really normal. I would get so excited when we were having company because our family would “play normal” for the visit! And this was just the beginning of the lack of normalcy!
There were also a lot of blind eyes in the house. My oldest brother graduated and moved out, leaving 3 kids. By 5 years old, my abuse was from one brother 11 years old, consistently. I was threatened, as all abusers do, that if I told on him that I would be the one in trouble. Mom would be mad at me and they would not want me anymore. My parents were very religious and he would talk me into doing things I knew were wrong so he would have something over me. I remember one day coming home and hiding behind a mattress leaning up against the wall in my room out of fear. On the bus home that day, I put up my middle finger (although it was instigated by him and covered by my other hand so nobody saw except him and me) on the bus ride home. He immediately told me he was telling Mom and Dad what a bad girl I was and she wasn’t going to want me. Story after story, time after time. Different scenarios all the time, but my abuser put fear into me that I was the bad one and I could never tell because then HE would tell on ME and again, I was the bad one. This abuse went on until I was 8 years old when my family had severe trauma which I will also write about one day, but it put an end to the abuse for the most part for the next 3 years. And guess what – I blocked it out. I didn’t like my brother very much, but I didn’t think about all of the things that he had done to me for 4 years because I was a child and I was just happy I could play and not worry about him! It didn’t resurface until I was about 15 years old and I will talk more about that another day as well. But the point is, I blocked it out, and to me it didn’t happen for those 7 years. When it came back, it hit with a vengeance!
To this day, manipulation is a difficult thing for me, it infuriates me. I have no tolerance for manipulation or for liars. Yet, somehow, I allowed one of the most manipulative people I’ve ever met into my life and now I am struggling to change it because of the stories. With all of the difficulties I have had lately, this person chooses to manipulate me daily rather than support and love me and I am no longer allowing it. I cut my mom out of my life 3 years before she died because she refused to support me and constantly did things that hurt me – on purpose. I am finding this situation even harder than that to deal with, but I am dealing with it the best I know how. The heart is a complicated thing, it argues with your head and you don’t win the battle within yourself until you really examine what is taking place, figure out what is true and what is false. What is serving you and what is limiting you? Do you feel good or do you feel bad? Let yourself be aware of what is right and what is wrong. When your gut tells you something is wrong, it probably is. I knew as a child what was happening to me was wrong, but I was too scared to do anything about it. Today, the situation is similar but different.
Please understand, this is not a venue to air my dirty laundry, or tell horrifying stories of abuse in my childhood or about poor choices I make in my relationships! It is, however, a platform from which to take a stand and let people know that they should always believe in themselves, trust themselves and go with their gut! Don’t doubt your intuition; whether you’re a child, an adult or indirectly involved in a situation. Trust yourself, don’t adopt the theory “if I don’t remember it, it didn’t happen” like I did. Don’t block things out! In addition, don’t ignore what’s right in front of your face! Past, present and future – believe in yourself, believe in your knowledge and make that your power! NEVER let anyone tell you that you’re crazy for believing that, or you’re exaggerating something or that it’s not a big deal. If it makes you feel poorly in any way, it’s not ok and you need to change it. We all have intuition, trust it. You’ll thank yourself in the long run no matter how difficult it is now.
I hope this is taken in the way it is intended, for knowledge, power and healing. My best wishes to all of you on your own journey in self discovery and remembering/dealing with things that may come to you. God Bless, I’ll be back again soon!
One thought on “If I don’t remember, it didn’t happen”
Wow, after all these years…truth is spoken! I hear your beautiful heart!! The pain, the emotion of a child and a mature adult all in one speaking the truth of what had happened. Although bad things happened in childhood, which I know to be true, you are more then a conquering soldier of the Lord- wounded, yes but on her way to complete healing! I don’t know the story that had followed & know there will be catch up and fill in the blank times but what I do know is this: Jennny is full of life in Christ that has something to give everyone!! You have the character of Jesus, compassion & love for others!! Although your heart is still raw from being stabbed many times, I see the healing taking place and only to continue for God to get the glory in this life of purpose that you live! Potential of mass change in others lives await those who come in contact with you in the form of freedom!! I see as you get healed, others will follow your footsteps and take your experience applying it to their own lives as they see the example of how you handled bad circumstances & relationships. How beautiful are the feet of those who brings good news! Through your journey of life, you find true peace only comes from Jesus and through Him all else is found. We cannot explain fully why things happen but I do know like you have already said, whatever comes our way, we have a choice how to respond and thank you God for allowing Jen the grace to get through & respond to her situations with amazing grace & forgiveness. I pray that she can release all of those broken pieces in her life to you Lord so that you can finish making something so so beautiful out of her deep pain & heartache. Blessing will replace it and joy does come in the morning! Many times we will never know why and I pray that she resolves that it is okay to never know but can let it go completely and that she can say….”it is well with my soul.” For in that declaration the peace comes a little at a time. It is called faith! Not any kind of faith, for there is faith is self, other people, coaches, teams & etc, but the faith I am talking about the name above every name, one who holds the truth that can set every man free from sin & death and resurrect any dead thing so that it might live again! Jesus, there is power in His name! Yes, many know who he is or something about Him BUT if you get personal about the pursuit of Him it becomes another thing all together! He is what completes us, heals our deepest wounds, what makes us complete putting the pieces together so that we can see the beauty in our mess, makes us new thing out of our brokenness……!