“I still think that the greatest suffering is being lonely, feeling unloved, just having no one…  That is the worst disease that any human being can ever experience.”  -Mother Teresa.

Is this not the truth?  How many of you have ever felt unloved?  Lonely?  Completely and utterly alone?  This is something that I have suffered with for years.  Sometimes one, sometimes all of the above together.  The thirst for love is one that is not easily quenched.  Human beings were not made to be alone, God made us to love one another, to be companions for one another.  Yet, unfortunately a good portion of my life I have felt unloved and very much inadequate and alone.  The mind and heart are very tricky things!  You can KNOW in your head that you ARE adequate, you ARE loveable and what you deserve from others; yet in your heart, somehow, you feel something that causes you to accept things that you know are not ok.  I personally have allowed people to walk on me, to treat me with WAY LESS respect than I deserve for fear of being alone.  Being treated poorly was better than the alternative of being alone.  The fear of loneliness is paralyzing.

I have tried several times over the years to be realistic – knowing my relationship would probably never be what I wanted no matter how much I hoped and he promised.  I would try to meet other people in hopes I would fall for somebody that wanted the same thing I did.  It never happened, nobody has ever compared to Jason since the day I laid eyes on him.  That is to current day.  These people that I met, were just that – people I met.  Nothing ever came of any of it.  I exchanged phone numbers and then would never even return a text or a phone call.  Even years ago, when he lived with another woman or we were “broken up”, I felt like I was cheating on him.  I couldn’t and didn’t want to pursue anything with anyone else.  Boy did this annoy some of my friends!  Hahaha!  (Rightly so.)  And while we have had some amazing times, incredible passion and love like I’ve never felt before, he has also caused me more pain, anxiety, doubt and isolation than I ever knew possible.  I felt more alone with him that I ever did without him!  My love for him is much like an addiction.  I have not been able to walk away until now.  And even now, it’s going to be much like a rehab and I am not totally sure how I am going to do it.  Each day is hard, I miss my best friend.  I miss everything about him honestly, his eyes, his smile, his kiss, his smell.  It is hard to learn and accept that something you thought was for the rest of your life, is over.  I guess actually I shouldn’t assume what I, or our relationship meant to him, but the reality is that it’s over.  He could have stopped me from walking away but he didn’t – that said everything I needed to hear without a word being said.  I will tell you I am heart broken and this will be one day at a time.  And I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.  But what I will not miss is the misleading statements, broken promises, the distance between us in the closest relationship I’ve ever had, the hope that never came to fruition and being sad – and hurting.  When I have a decision to make, I always weigh the pros and cons.  Writing this list out was the worst pro/con list I’ve ever made.  It’s not fun to write negative things about the man you love.  Even as upset as I am, it still hurts and I still love him.  Keep your judgements to yourself, these are the facts.

This is not the first time that I have had a problem with trying to quench the thirst for love.  Most of my life has been a challenge with love, whether I wasn’t feeling loved or not accepting it. lt has made me crazy my entire life wondering why people don’t love me back. As a child, I was a very good child.  What’s not to love of a child; especially a good one?  I was scared to death that they wouldn’t want me anymore (because as discussed previously, that’s what abusers tell you) so I was an extremely well behaved child!  Now, as an adult, I am such a giver, still trying to please everyone and live by God’s word, even though I am far from it.  I love with all that I  have; I love with all of my heart.  My love is the biggest award I have to give to somebody, in my opinion.  Yet it’s like the elusive “A” that I would seek in biology class.  (I sucked at biology.)  You get so close, you may feel like you’ve got it locked down, but then poof.  It’s not what you thought it was; and you are suddenly confused by what has taken place, the crappy result that came from all of your efforts.  Here I am six years into a situation finding myself feeling this exact feeling.  What did I do wrong?  What is wrong with me?  How can these other people find what I’m looking for but I cannot?  I often doubt myself instead of just trusting.  I have so many amazing friends; so many people in my corner and an amazing maternal family.  I had a brother left, but apparently he’s decided to bail as well, so I have what I have and that’s that.  I will NEVER beg anyone for their love again.  EVER.  Love me or don’t, but dammit – I am amazing and you’d be luck to have me.  I am a good hearted, loving and giving person.  Those that want to read for the “dirt” on me for whatever reason and there are a couple of you that have contacted me – I feel sorry for you.  Get a handle on your own life, quit looking at mine.  If you started at the beginning, one of my conditions in sharing and being vulnerable with you was no judgement.  People have abused that, and think that they are better than me and a couple of messages I have gotten are unbelievable.  May God have mercy on your soul.  HE is the judge and jury, not YOU.  And believe me you will answer to Him.  To my caring, loyal friends and readers, I hope you’ll leave some comments letting those people know what this is about and what my sharing does for you.  Because that it is really why I started this.  How can the pain of my life be of betterment to somebody else?

This is a short blog post, I feel a lot of negativity from a lot of things that have been happening in my life lately and since I know there are people out there using this information against me, I will stop here for now until I get these IP addresses blocked.  I only have room for positive in my life.  If you don’t want to participate in that, you will hinder the progress for me and everyone that uses my blog as a way to deal with their own issues.  So you should be ashamed of yourself!  Do not bother me or get on my blog again.  You’re sad, sad souls and I want no part of you or your comments and I would bet you that my readers would feel the same way.  Until some clean up can be done and I can block some negativity, I take a SHORT break.  I shall return!  Soon!!  Thank you for all of my devoted friends that read my story and understand, empathize and relate.  I love you!  Your positive messages would be greatly appreciated so that these negative, pathetic souls know what damage they are doing.

Happy beginning of the holiday season to all of you – I plan for this to be my most positive holiday season is six years.  Period. This IS going to be amazing.  Watch, read and follow!!  Love to you!