“Therefore gird up the loins of your mind and rest your hope fully upon the grace that is to be brought to you at the revelation of Jesus Christ.”  – 1 Peter 1:13

I know I said I was going to take a short break because of a couple of haters – but I feel like that is a cop out.  I don’t care about those haters, nor do I care about blocking them.  Their sad lives are their sad lives and have zero bearing on me or my life.  So I am back and ready to take this to the next level and back to where the original intention was headed.

Lately, my blog has taken much more of a negative and sad direction than I ever intended. My first inclination was to apologize, but I’m not going to. I am going to accept it and say that what I am really seeing is this: E+R=O. Event plus response equals the outcome. This is where I am and this is what I accept and vow to change. Depression, anxiety and pain have taken over my mind, body and ultimately my life. I have been trying, but it’s not easy. I’ve really lost site of why I started this blog because things went from bad to worse after I began.  So I am back to the beginning; how many times to we have to re-start?  Doesn’t matter as long as we eventually get running and move toward our destination and desires.  I’ve read through so many notes today looking for my own inspiration and so many quotes that I have written down over time and so many that applied to my recent journey.  We always find those things that are critical to us at the right time.

A few of my favorites today:
Blaming steals your control.
Free your victim.
What choices are not loving you back?
Be in a committed relationship with your happiness.
Worry is a prayer for chaos.
We either make ourselves miserable or strong. It’s the same amount of work.
If you’re feeling helpless or hopeless, help someone else.
Fail Forward.
Every thought is an affirmation and a confirmation.
Everything we want is on the other side of fear.
If you’re living in the past, you’re depressed; if you are living in the future you’re anxious and if you are living in the present, you are grateful.

Yesterday, I broke a promise to a close friend who has been trying to be there for me and help me through these hard times.  My problem – I isolate.  I don’t want to share my problems.  There is a difference between writing about them and truly sharing them one on one.  I was supposed to attend church yesterday, something I haven’t done in quite some time.  I don’t love the church I currently have and I miss my church on the other side of town!  So lazily, and unfaithfully, I just don’t go.  Have you ever read the book of Peter?  Know anything about it?  We all get something different from the bible, but I believe we should all be getting the basic same idea.

1st Peter is one of the most hope filled books in the new testament.  It talks about new (and seasoned) believers and their reasons for hope, even in times of hopelessness and persecution proven because Christ was raised and living, showing that God is at work in the world!  This book tells how to live your life in Christ and helps you to understand what it means to live faithfully among people who ridicule and harass them.  There is hope if you show your faith.   Jesus Christ’s life and especially his suffering is used as an example of how they are to understand and bear their own sufferings as they seek to do God’s will.  Leaders are to care for their congregations (family and friends), all are to humble themselves before God and resist the devil and God will restore and establish you at the end.

My best summary for the beautiful words of the bible that don’t do it any justice.  I write this from reading scripture, together with many other things I have read today because I have lost hope although I always believe I still have faith.  It’s hard to have one without the other though, they go hand in hand and one relies on the other.  I didn’t attend church yesterday because I was scared of what I was going to hear and feel and that I might actually move toward progression.  I know what I NEED to hear and feel, but the fear of the reality of it is mortifying.  I am a believer and my Lord and Savior will be forever my comfort.  There have been many times in my life I have turned FROM Him and many times I have turned TO Him.  I am ready to let Him back into my heart, I am begging him to come back into my heart.  Soften it.  I am ready to open it up and let it bleed and let Him mend me. I am ready to lay this at his feet and take the advice so many have been giving me and I have been refusing because plain and simple, I wasn’t ready.  I have wallowed in self pity and haven’t known how to handle the anxiety and depression on my own and have been so blind that I couldn’t see the answer that was in front of my face.  This won’t be an overnight fix, I know, but every time I have ever opened up my heart and prayed for God to come in and heal me, He does.  I trust that He will help me through this and will bring me back to the happy, loving, faithful ME.

I got a great piece of advice from a girlfriend tonight that I called for advice on a homeless gentleman that I have gotten to know during my volunteer time and she knows me so well!  Dammit – how do these friends I hide from get to know me so dang good??  Haha!  She advised me to work on only what I can control.  NOT to get over-wrapped in something else I have no control over.  Meaning, don’t go from one thing I couldn’t control – my relationship, to another – a homeless group that I want to save.  This takes me back to one of the sayings I wrote above:  If you’re feeling hopeless or helpless, help someone else.  Well, I have always been a bit of an overachiever and I will take that the nth degreel if I am not careful!  I have to control my feelings and only focus on what I can control.  Something HUGE to remember.  Stop being a control freak, let life happen.

This message has been on my keyboard tray for 7 years.  Phil 4:6-7 – “Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with Thanksgiving, present your requests to God.  And the peace of God which transcends all understanding, will guard your heart and mind in Jesus Christ.”   I have read this daily for many, many years and this is literally my favorite scripture next to John 3:16 which is the scripture that allows us to enter into the kingdom of God.

I am on the rise my friends.  Maybe only an inch at a time, but like I wrote before this is about progress, not perfection.  My story is FAR from over and is not going to continue being the same sob story.  Don’t get me wrong – nothing is “fixed” and there will be a lot more tough times before the good ones come, but I am ready to fight again.  I am ready to be me, the fighter I was my entire life.  Not this pathetic whiner who can’t deal with life.  Life is life.  I will deal with it again.   I am seeing the path that I need to be following with my Lord and HE will heal me and get me to the right place in which I belong in my life.  Thank you goes to my family and friends.  Lexie Hawkins, Amy Bragaw, Brooke Berndt, Jen Theisen, Phillis Shimamoto and Erica Shields.  Your kindness, your support in each of your specific arenas in my life and your love is more appreciated than you know.  Thank you for sifting through the “crap” to get to a positive message and know that I am going to come out of this better than I have been, maybe ever.  I love you all!  God Bless!!