“Sometimes a heartbreak shakes you awake and helps you see that you were worth more than what you were settling for.” -unknown, but WISE!!
The past few months I have fought for everything worth having in my life and it turned out that some things weren’t serving me the way I pictured they were. 6 months ago, I had no clue what the difference was. I didn’t know what/who was serving me and what/who wasn’t; I was so lost in so many tragedies and the unreal demands of corporate America. It’s been a hard and trying time. It’s been a time for learning and it’s been an amazing time to find what’s in my soul. Severe situations can go one of two ways: you can be awakened and strengthened, or you can crash and burn. Sometimes you do a little of both, which I did. I crashed and burned, hard – but then – through the storm has come a strength I forgot I had. I wasn’t living in the present, I was depressed about the past and was anxious about the future. I wasn’t very kind to a lot of people or to myself. Even though I volunteered a lot of my time and it made my soul happy, as soon as I got back home I was miserable again. My anxiety was off the charts, some days I didn’t even make it to the volunteer events or even out of my house, let alone to the shower due to the anxiety. I have forced myself to get out there as much as I can, I have continued work on myself and I have overcome a lot.
I loved so hard and I wanted it back so badly but I didn’t get it. I have been taken advantage of for years and I have continued to have so much faith in people, some more than others, and believed it would all work out the way it was supposed to. Well, it finally has, even thought not necessarily the way I wanted it to be. Like the image says, hold on to those who respect you and let go of those who don’t serve you. When you’ve craved love, acceptance and appreciation your entire life, you want to believe that people will eventually see the good in you and ultimately return it. When those you love don’t see or appreciate that, it hurts in an unexplainable manner. Just as it did when I was a child. Amazingly, now I have some tools to work with. I am no longer buried under 10 feet of devastation when I find it time to walk away. Even more so, I have the ability to determine that it IS time to walk away from particular areas of my life. I now have the strength to accept it and deal with it in a much healthier manner. I’m far from perfect, but I’m managing, I’m functioning and I’m doing what I need to do on a daily basis. Some days better than others, but ultimately it’s working. Walking away is never an easy choice, not an easy thing to do; but sometimes it IS necessary to appreciate and love yourself which is something I have never been good at doing. I have made a life altering decision and I am walking away from something I have been holding onto for several years. It’s not easy, my heart hurts. Walking away from my mom was the single most hard thing I have ever done in my life until this. This is hard, beyond hard actually, but I will come out better in the end and I have to believe that.
I am, for the first time in my life, living in the present, today. It’s hard, don’t get me wrong. I stress about the future, I worry about the past instead of thanking God for today. Tonight, I am praying thanks to my Lord God for giving me this life, the ability to make these decisions and the comfort that I will prosper from this decision. I love my God. I love my daughter, I love myself and I love my friends. God will guide me through the troubled waters and my friends and family will be there to help me stay on track. I am happy in my heart even though I hurt and am sad. Nobody will steal my joy again. Ever. This was a wrench in my plan that I had not anticipated, but one I will handle and accept with grace, intelligence and love. I will begin another new chapter in my life and I will take the time to get to know myself, learn who I am again and love ME. I can’t say I’m “excited” about it, but I do accept it and will handle it. Professionally, I will also be starting a new chapter and that is exciting! Also a little sad, because my work friends were also my family! So many changes at once can be scary – but I am not scared!! I am happy. I will figure it all out. I will accept each challenge as it comes at me and I hope this shows the world that I am back on track to becoming the woman I was meant to be! It is also showing ME that I can handle things for the first time in a very, very long time. I am getting back to being the strong, withstanding person that I was my whole life. Only this time, I will deal with things…not stuff it down and ignore the feelings. I will work through them and I will take each issue piece by piece and handle it! This doesn’t mean it will be easy, but it means it will be healthy and I am so excited to feel this way in the midst of heartbreak. I’m not sitting here crying, falling apart, or having a pity party. I am good! Sad, but good. Mad, but good. In Vail. How do you be anything but at peace in a place so beautiful?
Please let this be a lesson to everyone what therapy and dealing with emotions will do for you. NEVER, EVER count yourself out. You are always there for yourself if you seek God’s help. I have grown in my relationship with God more in the past month than in years. I know what I want, what I expect of myself and what God expects of me. It starts with me and believing. A lifetime of pain and mistreatment can never be erased, but the damage that it did can be minimized and repaired a little at a time with His help. I still have so far to go, but I believe in Him and He believes in me. What more can I ask for? I trust, I have faith and I will overcome this obstacle as well. It won’t be easy and I will grieve, but I will be ok and that is the first time I’ve been able to honestly say that in so many years.
What are your challenges? What makes you feel inadequate? What hurts your heart so badly that you feel like the tears will never stop? Is it one thing? Is it multiple things? Has it been building your whole life or something recent? Do you have a relationship with God? Do you pray? Do you talk to Him and tell Him how you feel and what you need? Most importantly, do you hear Him, listen to His answers and believe Him? Or do you try to force your will instead of His? I know what I’ve been doing and it hasn’t worked. Now, I have slowly been understanding and “getting it” and I am growing and repairing day by day. Ultimately, we must trust Him and ourselves. This is what is going to lead me back into telling my story with confidence and honor and dissolve all shame with regards to my history. There is a story to be told and I am going to share it! Thank you as always for being here with me on this journey and more to come soon! Have a great week!! I know I will.