Today, melt down city by 10am!!  What?  Why?  Ugh.  And guess what – it went on most of the day.  (I feel great now…) That melt down (anxiety attack) forced me to pull off the road and practice breathing techniques from meditation and has been followed up by two others and a LOT of tears since then but I am not fighting it.  I’ve got to work through the tears, through the pain, through the discomfort of everything that has been happening in my life lately.  Sometimes when you get full, things blow and there is no way around it – you have to burrow right smack through the middle of it.  I’m doing it.  I’m so uncomfortable I can’t even explain it to you!  On the up side, when I make it to the other side of this mountain of crap, I will be whole again for the first time in many, many years – maybe the first time ever, who knows.  This time, it’s about me.  Not my mom, not a husband, not my daughter, not a boyfriend, not a client, not my boss, not a stranger, not a friend.  Me.  Selfish?  No, I don’t think so and I hope you can recognize that.  Anyone that knows me, knows I am anything but selfish.  I would do anything for damn near anyone that needed it.  If you do not know me, but are reading this, do not judge me util we get much further down the road.  I cannot lead any of you that are looking to me for guidance or inspiration or whatever it is you’re looking for if I, myself, am not being ME.  Somebody commented that they thought I seemed to have it all together…well, truly I don’t; yet at the same time I absolutely do.  I am well on my way and I will make every person supporting me proud, I promise!  I hope to God I am able to change some lives along with mine!

My poor trainer today…had to deal with my meltdown, as I was on my way to work with him today when it all started hitting me.  I pulled over, unable to breath, tears running down my face in a panic.  I almost called him and cancelled, but I knew he would never accept that.  He saved me today. Well, he helped me save myself.   Thank you, you are more than a trainer, you are my friend.  A very caring soul, I worked with him years ago and he took me to the peak of my fitness!  Now that I am physically getting stronger and able again, I have been blessed to be able to spend time with him again lately and I know eventually I will get back there with his help because he believes in me.  So huge to just have somebody that supports you through whatever the struggle is that day and I’ve had a lot lately.  Pain, disability, anxiety, loss, etc.  He helps me with the mental muscle as much as the body muscle, some days even more so!  Today, I would not have made it through the day without him and our work which started on the floor stretching and talking.  Have you ever been so appreciative of someone that helps you and they have no idea how much they really and truly just did for you with just a few kind and supportive words?  That’s how I felt today.  He gave me some very simple words – the best ones being something that he told me he learned from his 8 year old daughter the past 10 days while on a trip together seeing his father fighting for his life.  My title:  Be you.  Be you, unapologetically, authentically – you.  Never doubt who you are, have a childlike faith in yourself!  Do you see kids worrying about what another kid thinks of their shirt or their legs??  No way!  That’s just silly, so why do we do it as adults?  This is learned behavior, and not a good one.  Never worry about who someone thinks you should be, or how they think you should look; that’s not important.  This is a lesson that I am finally learning at 45 years old!  Sound simple doesn’t it?  When you’ve worried your whole life about pleasing people and making sure everyone around you is happy and taken care of – you can easily lose yourself and not know HOW to be yourself.

Today, I was asked this simple question:  what is something you enjoy doing and haven’t done in a while?  My response was:  “I don’t know.”  Really?  I don’t know what I like to do anymore??  What the heck is going on in my life that I don’t know what I would want to do?  I know I enjoy helping others feel good about themselves and get on track to a healthy and happy life!  But I do that every day and thank God for that blessing of being able to help others, or I would really be lost right now.  For years, it has been work, gym, dinner, bed – repeat.  Work got overwhelming, it took over my life.  My health began to decline due to long hours and non-stop travel.  I couldn’t stay strong because there was no energy or time left for the gym!  I’ve been fighting this for two years now.  It sucked the good life out of me and now I am taking some time off trying to deal with that and get my mind back.  When you have to be worried about taking off work to handle doctor appointments, physical therapy, or desperate family matters – there is something wrong!  I am looking for positive influence, I need to stay busy with things that insure no anxiety attacks pull me down for the day – yet I don’t seem to know what those things are!  That is INSANE to me!!

So you can imagine what I am going to be doing this evening – making a list of my favorite activities that I have forgotten about or putting off!  I will be putting this on paper and creating my “bucket list” if you will.  I will share it when I get it completed!  Someone else that was once very close to me told me over the weekend that after a dramatic loss it made them realize what is important and they created their own bucket list.  That’s actually where I got the idea to call it that.  I’m really proud of this person to be honest because they were on a path of destruction for the past few years and this made them realize the hurt they were causing others with the behavior, and it had to stop.  They also realized what is important in life and have changed their priorities.  If you happen to read this, know that I am proud of you; and while the way you hurt me will ever be erased, knowing that you’ve decided to change your habits makes me really happy for you.  So, creating the list is only step 1.  As I stated before, you can be as informed as you want, but if you don’t do something with that information, you’ll never move.  I repeat – if you want something different, do something different.  This is different for me and I am on it!!

So, who’s reading my blog?  Who will do this with me?  I would challenge you to do the same if you’ve forgotten what is important to you.  Do you know what things you love to do but don’t do because your every day grind has gotten you out of the habit?  Do you make yourself a priority in your own life, or do you take care of everybody around you and neglect yourself the way I have?  I thank God for my daughter and for each of you, and my besties; for without you right now, my life would not seem to have a lot of purpose.  My ability to help people find their passion, find their health or potentially find a way to pay their mounting bills brings me more joy and fulfillment than anything else right now.  My intention right now is to find this kind of joy for myself over an undefined amount of time, because I don’t know how long something like this takes!  I just know that I am pleased with myself and for the first time in a very long time – I will be putting myself first, making ME happy and building myself up to better serve YOU!  So if you’re willing to do this with me – comment on this post!  You don’t have to tell me your bucket list if you don’t want to, but I’d love to know that this resonates with somebody and somebody may make a change for themselves because of something I said.  Please share with me, grow with me and let’s make a difference for each other, together!

Another post done and another “therapy” session in the books.  I can’t tell you how much better this makes me feel as it is constantly reminding me that there is A LOT of good and positive in my life.  I just need to focus on it!  My love to you all!  Tomorrow – I think I’ll share a fun childhood story…stay tuned!