“It doesn’t matter what you did or where you were…it matters where you are and what you’re doing. Get out there! Sing the song in your heart and NEVER let anyone shut you up!” – Steve Maraboli
Ahhh, the peace that follows the holiday season is upon us. The beginning of a new year, one that I think will be my best in some time! I’ve had a lot of ups and downs the past few months (well, actually years) and continue to make headway in my life. I have figured a lot of things out, set some tremendous goals for myself and have nothing but happy intentions this year! I love the saying that “this is blank page 1 of a 365 page book, write a good one.”
Let’s go back to the beginning, the reason that I started this blog to begin with and the name. Finding out why. A lot of things have happened since I started writing this blog and I’ve had multiple losses and blows, yet a lot of breakthroughs as well. Sometimes I am sure you wonder where I am going with all of this and I seem to bounce all over the place! Well, lately I have been very down as you can read in the sparse posts that I have put out as of late. What I realized today is that I am really not serving anyone the way I originally intended with some of my posts. It’s been more of an outlet, if you will. I have tried to always end what is not necessarily a pleasant message with some sort of positive, lesson or hope. What else I have realized is that sometimes life just stinks and it is up to us how we handle it. Do we handle it ourselves or give it up to God to handle for us? I know that I, personally, like to say I have great faith in God but when it comes time for those big life choices or decisions, I make my own way instead of praying on it and listening to what he has to say. This is because I usually know that I won’t like his answer and I want to create my own way, not follow his! Earthly desires are in us, he knows that and he forgives us for that. I have really been trying recently to change that and pray on things and pray differently. I pray for others in a given situation, not necessarily for the outcome that I want. Figuring out our lives is not an easy thing! Knowing our purpose here on this earth is a mystery for the majority of people I would say. I know my purpose and always really have, I just didn’t realize I already knew it! Many of you are probably the same way. I went inward for the past few months to find out what’s going on in my body, mind and soul. Focusing on rehabbing my body has been so beneficial, time away from work has been amazing for my mind with all of the stresses that I had and a lot of books I’ve read and praying time and being in touch with other Christian/faith based friends has developed my soul in ways I forgot were possible. It’s been amazing to begin refilling myself.
I was raised in church in a very strong Christian household. Very strict parents, church 3 times a week plus Sunday school and choir. It was not an option for me to “not” go, it was mandatory. In the summer, I always went to vacation bible school when I was young and then away to church camp for 2 weeks as I got older. By age 11 or 12 I was beginning to truly understand and open up to what I was hearing, and ultimately asked Jesus into my heart and began my walk with him. While none of us are perfect and never will be, having Him has kept me grounded and has always been my home base when I’m struggling through hard times. I always know that Jesus is there and will hold me when I need it, pat my back when I’ve done something he’s proud of and I know I’ll answer for my sins when we meet in heaven. So to say he knows every hair on our heads, our every move and thought, is sometimes a scary thing! It certainly makes you want to be a better person knowing he is watching. God is the ultimate Father, have you always wanted to make your parents proud? It can be overwhelming sometimes to look at it that way because we are human and we are sinners. I am learning to take my days one at a time and do the best I can with that day. I start my day with a devotional, gratitudes and a short prayer to bless my day and those I love. This is helping me to become more grounded and realize what life is about and more about my purpose here on earth. It’s helped guide me to many places I otherwise wouldn’t have made it to and helped me to guide others to places they may not have made it to. I’m proud of that.
I said I know what my purpose is, but we never fully know anything. It’s His plan that we have to follow, but I believe his plan for me is to lead other people to Him and their happiness through our community of health and wellness as well as the ministries I have been working with. Having this time off work has been such a blessing I cannot even explain. I had originally hoped that I would be able to stay out of corporate America and retire to my health and wellness business alone, but that’s not His plan for me yet. I have prayed about it a lot and I believe that there is still a lot He has in store for me and my journey is far from over. I am close to being released to work again I believe and I can’t wait to do so. As much as I don’t like the idea of going back into corporate America, this is where I am being led and it is what I will do for a couple more years. The awesome thing is that I can see it all very clearly right now! It may change as I go, in fact I’m sure things will change as I go along, but for now I have the direction and the heart to go on and that’s what I was lacking for so long. I am not ashamed of the state of mental being I have been in, although it has not been good and is a bit embarrassing, we all go through our trials and tribulations and I hope that we all make it out the other side with His help. Nobody can do this successfully on their own. Don’t be afraid to seek help. Don’t be afraid to pray, there is no specific way to do it, just talk to Him. He, once again, has saved me.
I have a very long road ahead of me because I have uncovered a lot of toxic things in my heart and life that I didn’t know existed. I am currently working through those things one by one. You know my only remaining family member from my adopted family cut me out of his life and I am fighting for him. I am attempting to visit him in the next month and understand and repair whatever the damage is. I can’t say I fully understand it right now and that’s ok, I don’t have to. Something hurt him and I need to correct it and let him know how much I love him. I hope he will respond to me. I also realized that I have a lot of anger inside toward ALL of my parents, adoptive and biological. I only have one of those people that I can actually speak to and clear the anger and hurt, and that is my biological mother, Linda. I have gotten so far as to tell her I need to talk and clear some things up, but no details and we don’t have the talk scheduled. Luckily, my therapist has really helped me with how to handle some of these situations so that they won’t be confrontational, but loving and productive so we can move on with no hurt feelings on any part. (I hope!)
When you feel unwanted, unloved, and unworthy most of your life, it creates a resentment deep in your soul that you don’t really even know is there. I always thought I was “fine”. Little to no residual from being given up or from a difficult childhood. Boy, was I wrong!! I have harbored feelings and kept them buried for so many years that when they all came pouring out, it hasn’t stopped. There has been so much to deal with. So many feelings I denied for so many years. I am just starting to realize the damage done by being given up for adoption, being treated poorly by my adoptive mom, being abused two of my brothers and leaving home so young and fending for myself before I was truly an adult. I have done things and been through things that seem more like a Lifetime movie than a child’s actual life, and most people have no idea. Just a sampling that I will write about in time to come…kidnapping my infant nephew; packing up overnight and running from the law; my brother going to jail; driving cross country living in a van; three schools my 4th grade year while on the run; living in the National Forest in a camper hiding from the law and bathing in the river; my parents being arrested right in front of me when coming out of Woolworth’s after having a root beer float; listening to my Uncle tell me my parents didn’t live in the “real world”; living between two brothers to avoid abuse at home; my parents journey as jail ministers; my parents turning our house into a half-way house for criminals and addicts; and ultimately leaving home two days after graduation just to get away. Does this sound like a real life to you or some crazy story written for the Lifetime channel?? I would never believe most of the stories had I not lived them. Sadly, I didn’t know just how crazy it all was at the time because I just didn’t know any better. I rarely got invited to birthday parties or sleep overs; we weren’t in one place long enough to make friends, and even when we were, everyone knew we were “weird” so I was often an outcast. This creates a pretty tough exterior and it certainly makes it hard to accept that somebody actually loves me. From that, I have made it very hard for people to love me and I know that now. And wow, do I appreciate the people that love me!! I have so many great people in my life and such an amazing support system who without, I would not have been able to make the progress I have made. As I said, I am nowhere near there yet, but I am on the right road and really excited about 2017! I think this is going to be the best year I have had in a very long time! I hope that this has got all of you thinking about what your purpose is and what you might be lacking or needing improvement on in your life. Find out WHY!! I would love for you to share some of your “why’s” with me in the comments! Do you know your purpose? What is it? What do you want it to be?
I think my cold medicine is wearing off, so it’s time to lay back down…but soon I’ll be telling some of these stories I mentioned, and while I know it will upset some particular people if they read it, that’s too bad. It’s my story and I will tell it! Much love to you all! Until next time…