It doesn’t matter how many times you fail, you’re not a failure. It doesn’t matter how many times you almost get it right because you always have another chance to learn from it and try again.  No one is going to remember or care about your failures, and neither should you.  People are remembered for greatness and I believe that I am absolutely destined for greatness!!  I have no clue the number of failures I have had…nor do I have any desire to know!  It’s useless.  Failure is an opportunity to do better.  To that end, some days I think I should be a life expert by now!  Ha!

There are so many different arenas in which we can mess up or fail – it’s darn near impossible not to fail somewhere in your life.  If you’re not failing, I want to know who you are!!  Just kidding – in all seriousness, if you’re not failing in some areas of your life, you’re in a rut.  Guaranteed!  I know because that’s me and where I have been!  We should be out living life, failing daily.  You know why?  Because that means you’re out of your comfort zone trying new things; and when we try new things, we usually suck at them!  Things take practice to learn.  Practice makes perfect.  Don’t quit doing something just because you aren’t immediately good at it.  There are those people that are just “a natural” at everything.  They can play all kinds of sports, run fast, don’t have to study hard and have that winning personality.  Most of us aren’t that lucky – and you know what?   Most of those “naturals” aren’t that lucky either.  They try harder than others do!

In my health and nutrition business, and all of the trainings and conferences I have attended, the most important thing I have learned is that the only way to fail, is to NOT try.  This is the most simple, but profound statement I have heard in some time.  How true is this?!  How many times have you said “no” to something because you were afraid you’d look stupid and be embarrassed?  What’s the worst thing that is going to happen?  You might look silly; you might give people a good laugh.  BUT, you might have fun!  You will likely learn something and guess what – your “first time” is over.  NEXT time you do it, you’ll know what to expect, you’ll do a little better and maybe laugh at yourself next time around!  You continue to grow with each experience, and before you know it, you’re a pro and helping somebody else with their first time!  THAT is what it’s all about!

Failure is not an option for me because if I fail, I know how many people will not be blessed by the many things that I have to offer.  I have talents, I have heart and I have skills.  Most of all, I have desire; I have desire to share my experiences, my health, my hurt and my love with the world.  That’s what this blog is all about – sharing!  I know that there are people on their knees begging God for answers every single minute of every single day.  The answers they seek may be financial, they may be emotional, they may be physical.  Everybody won’t relate to me by any means, but I know I can relate to somebody on each of these levels.  That’s why I write.  That’s why I tell my story of pain, hurt, depression and anxiety.  I know that online I am going to reach people that I may not otherwise ever even cross paths with.  The internet and social media are amazing tools that we should all be using for our betterment.

When I first started to blog, (all of 10 posts ago) I had all of the negative self talk we normally go through when we try something new.  What if nobody reads it?  What if people think I’m crazy?  What if nobody relates?  Guess what – they were all false things I was telling myself!   I am writing this for two reasons, to help me and to help you.  If you’re reading this, then I hope it helps you in some way.  For me, it feels good to just put the words out there.  I know that I have answers for people.  I know that I have answers for myself.  Even a coach needs a coach!  I read motivational books, self help books, books to teach me how to be a better leader and a better person!  I go, I DO things that are going to teach me to appreciate what I have, I give my time to those that need help.  I have found some amazing ways to help my myself, and others, and many of these things are things I am doing for the very first time.  It’s scary!  It’s not always easy, but it’s necessary.  If we aren’t growing all the time, we are stagnant.  If we become stagnant, we are obviously no longer trying new things which means we aren’t failing which means we aren’t trying new things!!  Do you see how this all ties together?  It’s so important to put your self out there and just feel and experience things.  I’m telling you, you cannot fail unless you don’t try.

WOW!!  Can I just tell you how fired up that just got me while typing??  I wish I were doing a video of this one instead of just a blog post!  I let myself be stagnant for so long, crushed by corporate America standards and stressed out beyond belief that it just killed me inside.  This is how I am digging myself out.  Nobody is going to do it for me, I have to do it for myself.  And I tell you again, failure is not an option for me!  This is a battle within myself that I will win, and I will be better off when I do.  I will never allow myself to be in this position again.  I’m not out of the woods yet, but I know the clearing is up ahead of me somewhere.  I will never be so stuck that I can’t see an opportunity in front of my face.  Success is the only option for me, and it should be for you too!  Goodnight!

“Happiness is not the absence of problems, it’s the ability to deal with them.”  -Steve Maraboll.

If you’re a first time reader, welcome and thank you for being here to share in my story.  I want to preface this post, as I always do – this is NOT a sob story and this is NOT me crying about an awful life or looking for sympathy.  I have an amazing life and I have so much to be thankful for!  I thank God every single day for how blessed I am.  God is my savior, my lifeline and the one who keeps me above water.  That being said, there is a hole in my heart that needs to be filled.  This blog is therapeutic for me and I hope that it shows people that it’s ok to be vulnerable.  Telling my story shows that there is more behind a smile; and what you see on the outside is not always what’s going on inside.  Behind my smile, I am ashamed to say, is depression and anxiety which has recently taken over my life.  I have not wanted to officially share this diagnosis with anybody, until now.  I feel like it’s finally time.  I have nothing to be ashamed of, but really something to be proud of.  I am a fighter and I don’t give up.  Never have, never will.  I have had an incredible amount of loss lately and I am dealing with it the best I know how.  We can’t really know what is right or wrong when trying to handle these things, but just trust in God and pray you’re hearing the right voice!  God has been nudging me to just come out with it and I haven’t been brave enough to do it.  I find that when you follow the nudge, something amazing can happen, so here we go!

I’ve shared in earlier blogs a little bit about my history, where I come from and that my heart has been broken over and over throughout my life and this time I don’t know how to fix it. We all go through heartache, but my story is a little different right now.  This is more than just a little loss.  I have lost 5 people in 4 months (2 family, 3 friends) and the relationship I thought I would be in for the rest of my life.  The man that became my best friend through some unusual circumstances and who I now consider the love of my life.  Gone.  All while working an incredibly stressful job, going through a buy-out  (merger), not being sure from day to day what I would walk into at work or if I would be laid off at any time.  That’s a lot to handle for anyone, even experienced stress handler like me!  I have always been the person that just handled things that came my way and went on.  I’ve been strong, sometimes called cold because I was so strong it appeared as though I didn’t care.  The truth is, if I slowed down long enough to feel, I would hurt too badly and I never allowed that.  I didn’t necessarily “deal” with any of it, I just accepted it and moved on.  Now, I am having a very hard time dealing with the things that I should have been dealing with my entire life.  I think most of us have the best of intentions, and I believe that we make the best of the hand we are dealt.  Lately, I find this to be only partially true; and we have the ability to alter our path.  We have a choice to be happy or not be happy and this comes out in the decisions we make.  I wish I had known this earlier in life and understood the opportunities that truly laid before me!  I wish I had believed in myself enough to know just how strong and capable I was, and still AM!  I have spent so much of my life trying to make others happy that I never stopped to realize how unhappy I was.  As a young girl, my happiness wasn’t on anyone’s priority list, so I guess it never really made it high on my list either.  Until now!

How do you define happiness?  I’ll bet each of us has a different definition. My definition of happy is living a life of abundance, giving back to those in need, donating my time where it is needed most and sharing that with my best friend and partner in life.  Are you happy?  Is there a hole there that you try to fill?  I’ve spent a lot of time going over these thoughts lately.  The amount of loss lately is too much and because I lost that best friend that should have been there with me to comfort me through the losses, the changes, etc. I haven’t had great capacity to do it on my own.  My happiness, unfortunately just as when I was younger, wasn’t on his priority list either.  Yet I was more apt to endure that than to change it.  I didn’t want to lose him and what we had, even though to a lot of people it wasn’t ideal.  It took me 40 years to find what I thought I wanted in a man and the last 5 years have not been easy, but I didn’t want to let go.  As a young girl, we have our “ideal” man…what he will look like, what he will act like, what kind of a father and man he will be.  This man met all of that and then some.  Tall, dark and handsome, a great father, more passion than I’ve ever experienced.  He allowed me take down a lot of walls, I trusted him.  I’ve never been much of a girly girl, but somehow he made me one.  I’m different than I used to be.  He made me feel more beautiful and special than anyone else ever has, but ultimately I wasn’t his priority.  Period.  I tried to make him happy with acts of kindness, taking care packages when he was sick, buying him gifts, buying his children gifts, asking about the family…nothing worked.  He didn’t recognize it for what it was, he felt I was trying to control him when all I really wanted was to be a part of his life.  We all know that our perception is our reality.  So that was his reality and I cannot change what he felt.  I’ll never feel love like that again, he was IT for me and beyond all the recent loss, that one has nearly broken me.

This is just another example of the pattern that I followed of trying to get somebody who said they loved me to show me they loved me.  I have been chasing love my entire life.  The only person that loves me unconditionally on this earth is my daughter.  My beautiful, smart mouth brat – Lexie.  Haha, all joking aside, I have watched her heart break at what I am going through and I have not always been the kindest to her when she is trying to help me.  For that I have regrets.  I have allowed people and feelings get in between us and yet she loves me the way I have always wanted to be loved.  It makes me feel good, yet guilty at the same time because I don’t feel like the last few years have been ideal for her.  I’ve put her through a lot while I dealt with my own issues.  I am so thankful and grateful for her.  SHE gives me purpose, love and caring.  I love her with all of my heart and I could never make it without her.  Whether she knows it or not, she is my best friend and the one I count on in this world.

I have been thinking about all the “problems” in my life and placing a lot of blame (on myself and others), trying to figure out what to do, how to help myself feel better and be happy.  I think this is my million dollar question – what is it going to take to make me happy again?  Since I am currently on disability from work, I have been filling my days helping people, donating time to charities and spending time with amazing people that have hearts I admire and learn from.  That is amazing and I am so fulfilled while I am there, and even for a while after I am riding high!  But ultimately, there is still a hole and something is wrong.  My heart has been broken by so many people throughout my life and recently it has been compounded and so many old wounds have surfaced, I have had a very hard time even putting the thoughts into words to create my blog posts.  Things from the past have surfaced that have created even more emotional issues for me.  Some days the pain is overwhelming and some days I don’t want to get out of bed.  Physically I am feeling quite a bit better, although the nerve pain I deal with has been directly correlated with the anxiety and stress.  On high anxiety days, I am more likely to hurt worse. The migraines have become unbearable.  I get shots all over my head every 3 weeks to keep them at bay.  People don’t understand the truth behind anxiety and/or depression and when you have them together with physical pain, some days it’s easier to stay in bed even though that’s the worst thing for you.  If you read this and you are also struggling with these types of problems, I implore you to get out there, surround yourself with people that lift you up.  You know the saying – ‘fake it til you make it’?  Well, it’s right!  People reading my blog had no idea that I am struggling with these problems.  I will find a way to beat this, I will conquer it.  I will get my happiness back and it will be on my own terms, not somebody else’s.  I was told that I am not the same person and they were right…and I miss the old me.  I need the old me to return!  THAT is what is going to make me happy.  I want to be the happy go lucky woman that went with the flow and had fun – whatever we were doing!  Structure is important, don’t get me wrong, but there is nothing wrong with flying by the seat of your pants and having fun once in a while!

One thing I can assure you, my happiness will not be defined by anybody but me.  I have lost my way a bit right now, I have temporarily lost my ability to be the usual problem solver, a fixer and an unconditional lover.  There are so many factors that play into my situation currently.  None of us will ever be without problems in our lives.  It’s how we choose to react to them that will lead us.  I will be placing these issues on the chopping block one at a time and giving them over to God.  It’s easier said than done, but I know whole heartedly that when I need help and guidance, I know where to turn.  My good friend reminded me the other day, God’s got my back.  I know he does.  This is not an easy fight that I am fighting right now but it is one that I will win – that I can assure you!!

Thank you for reading and stay tuned for more…and remember, happiness is an inside job!!

If you are reading my blog for the very first time, WELCOME and thank you for being here!  Please follow me by entering your email address and you’ll be notified of my future posts!  You may be wondering what I am all about and what I may have to offer.  Why should you read what I have to say and follow me?  Through this blog, I share stories and lessons of my life.  Happiness, sadness, struggles, and pain.  Yet I show you that happiness and success and new life can be achieved.  It’s not easy to be vulnerable and put our most heart felt feelings out there.  I do it with the hope that it will encourage somebody else to keep going.  Life can be very hard and the feelings can get you down, but you don’t have to let it beat you!!  You can win this thing we call life!  Never be ashamed of your story, it can save somebody else…with that, I share a little more with you tonight.

The past couple of years I have had a lot of health issues and major back problems, nerve issues and chronic pain.  If you’ve ever experienced chronic pain, it can be crippling.  Beyond the pain, it can also be incredibly depressing.  It is life changing, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone.  I have been on disability from work since mid-August after rejecting my Dr.’s recommendations for months and working anyway, because that’s what I do.  I work.  I have always been dedicated to my job and the most loyal employee around.  But in light of growing anxiety with my job completely changing, going through a buy out/merger and not knowing what would change day to day, my nerve pain worsened and we couldn’t figure out why.  I finally took my doctor’s recommendation and am now taking some time off.  The theory is lessening stress will lessen the nerve pain.  It does seem to be making a difference!  Yay!  Unfortunately, this adds an additional stress because even though I pay in taxes for this exact kind of thing, they sure don’t like to pay when it is needed!  So I am currently going through the appeals process to try and get paid.  Just what I need…more stress.  But that is the least of my worries right now honestly, my health and peace of mind are what is really important.

You can probably deduce that recent months have been incredibly difficult for me.  Five weeks ago I started therapy to deal with the grief of deaths, I have lost 5 people in the past 4 months.  I also lost a relationship that has been a huge part of my life for the past 5 1/2 years.  The relationship has been off and on and never healthy, this is a hard, hard loss and I have never felt like this.  Frankly, the past few months, I have felt completely lost and I have not had the ability to reason properly.  I have had a lifetime of losses and being with a therapist I have really connected with, I learned that there are actually some much more deep seeded pains that I have ignored most of my life because I have always just been that “strong woman”.   Multiple deaths, the end to a long term relationship and worrying about losing my job = STRESS.. ANXIETY.. DEPRESSION.

People judge me daily, and guess what?  That’s ok.  Those people have not walked in my shoes, those people have no clue what is on the inside of me, what I’ve overcome and where I am at now.  They are seeing only the struggle, and the sadness that has been in my heart and showing through my eyes for months.  My friends watch me suffer silently knowing that I am doing everything in my power to change my circumstances.  I am not wallowing in self pity any more and that is the point of this post!!  You are allowed time to grieve, and that time frame is different for everybody.  There is no instruction booklet for grief  or anxiety.  There are, however, tons of resources that I have found useful.

The first lesson, be patient with yourself.  Nobody can tell you when you should feel better.  As long as you want to get better, you will.  Choose to stand up for yourself, make the change and take it one day at a time.  I get very overwhelmed when I think about the big picture, but I can handle day by day!  I made the mistake of going MIA from my normal routine, missing out on many events with my friends which only magnified the problem. The more I isolated myself, the more depressed I got. Trust your friends, take solace in time with them.  They care about you and that is irreplaceable.  I am not only getting myself back out there, I am donating a lot of my time to helping others.  I have met some amazing people and have really been feeling quite a sense of purpose in my life that I haven’t felt in a very long time!  I have actively and consciously been seeking out people and activities that will help me feel better.  I have accepted the things I cannot change and I have been working to change the things I have control of.

Don’t wallow in self pity.  (It’s soooo easy to do!!)  Don’t get stuck in the anger you feel; the helplessness.  It will eat you alive, it’s been eating me alive for months and especially the past few weeks.  That is the most helpless feeling in the world when you cannot control your own thoughts.  This goes back to being patient with yourself, but don’t stay there!!  It’s easy to be mad, upset or even to have no clue what exactly it is that you’re really feeling, just knowing that it sucks!  That’s ok!  Just don’t stay there.  Find the value in your experience.  Make it into something positive even though you may feel like there is absolutely nothing positive to come from it.  You have to search for it, FIND IT!!!  I am finding value in all of the turmoil in my life lately that will change me forever.  I am appreciating things I have taken for granted or completely overlooked.  I have bonded with old friends, I have created new friends and I have found where I can add value to others lives and make a difference which makes me feel great about myself instead of the self-loathing I have done most of my life.  Give back.  I can’t speak to that enough.  Donating your time, feeding the homeless, collecting clothing for shelters – none of this takes anything more than your heart and time.  You should live every day like it’s your last and you must nurture the relationships that you have.  Appreciate every day that the Lord gives you!  Make something positive out of whatever situation you’ve been going through.  I am so thankful for my followers and more importantly my amazing friends, my support system and my sweet daughter Lexie that has had to put up with my ups and downs.

The bottom line, the point of talking to you tonight is to help me, and to help you.  I want you to know that it’s ok to grieve over rough times, I have done a lot of it lately.  It’s ok to cry, to be angry and feel lost.  The most important lesson I have learned is that there is something positive to come out of everything.  Find it.  Don’t let yourself stay stuck.  I have been stuck for a long time and I have a long ways to go, a lot of exploring of my entire life to learn why I handle things the way I do and why I continue the same patterns.  So my journey is just starting but I am really exciting to be taking these steps to change my life for the better, for the rest of my life!  As always, I hope this is helpful for you and I hope you will sign up to follow me and read and share my posts with anyone that you feel could relate.  Goodnight.

“The doors we open and close each day decide the lives we live.” -Flora Whittemore  

Choices…we are faced with so many day in and day out, it sometimes feel like trial and error.  How are you supposed to always know what’s right and what’s wrong?  Well, inherently, we usually do.  When you aware what the right choice to make is, yet you make the wrong choice, that is one of the hardest to come back from.  Today I find myself in this situation.

Are you aware of the impact your choices are making on your life and in the lives of those around you every day?  Are they truly representative of who you are?  Many of the choices we make day in and day out often get the least amount of thought, but are some of the most important things we do!  We just go through the motions every day and don’t think how our actions are affecting those around us which is a huge reflection on us.  And often not a true reflection!  We can make or break somebody’s day with one sentence.  We can let our anger, frustrations or our own hurt control our actions and hurt somebody else in the worst way.  Is that something you’d want to be known for?  We are human, theses things will happen from time to time.  But this should not be something you take lightly and brush off.  I’m not.  I have accepted what I said because I cannot change it, I have apologized for the hurt and confusion it caused simply because I was angry and feeling insecure about something.  Not a good lesson friends.  Not a proud moment.  But I am going to talk with you about how I will overcome this and not stay in this negative moment!

I told you this blog would not always be easy to read, so to imagine how I feel today, writing it.  I also asked that you not judge me.  All of those requests apply today.  I am human and I am sorry.  I have been physically fighting a stress migraine all day today from muscle spasms due to the tension.  I am so displeased and disappointed in myself it has physically made me ill!  Try those words on for size!  They don’t fit very well.  I have always had a bit of an issue with containing what I say, and being very outspoken, but I never mean to hurt anyone.  I will say that with maturity and learning God’s love and grace, these instances have become very few and far between.

The point of today’s blog:  Overcoming poor decision making.

• First, take full responsibility for your choices and actions.  Do not pretend it didn’t happen and it will all blow over because it won’t.  It will always be inside of you until you understand and forgive yourself.
• Second, understand why you made the decision you made.  Do not make excuses, but understand WHY you made the choice you made.  Somebody may have hurt you, multiple times, or done things to push your buttons, make you look like a fool, etc; but that does not give YOU the right to belittle them or make them feel poorly in any way. Understanding why you did what you did can help you make the right decision if ever faced with the situation again.
• Third, apologize and explain to the person(s) you’ve hurt or that were affected by your decision.  Again, this is not to make excuses, but to hopefully explain what you realized in #2 and help you all understand it won’t happen again and move forward.
• Fourth, focus on the now.  The poor decision and the repercussions have already happened.  Be present in your life, look at the positive you are doing because dwelling on the past will not do anybody any good.
• Fifth and finally, be proactive in your understanding and take action to be sure you do not repeat this behavior.  Review the words in your head before they come out of your mouth!  Read and re-read a message before you send it.  How would receiving the words you’re about to deliver make you feel?  If it is anything other than good or positive, you should probably re-think that you are saying.

Have the brains to know what is right and what is wrong.  Have the confidence to know when something is about you and when it’s not.  Have the humility to say when you are wrong,  apologize and attempt to make amends, even if it is not well or at all received.  That is part of your action – you have to live with the consequences.  Don’t make the same mistake I did where you put your own ego first.  Always look at people with love and respect, in ANY situation and you will never be in THIS situation.

Tomorrow is a new day and I will focus on these 5 steps.  (1-3 have already been done.) Tomorrow I will be positive and live in the present and work on being proactive for prevention.  I will be aware of, but not dwell on, the past and I will overcome this situation with grace and a valuable lesson learned.  Thank you for coming back again, have a blessed and happy Friday night.

Today, melt down city by 10am!!  What?  Why?  Ugh.  And guess what – it went on most of the day.  (I feel great now…) That melt down (anxiety attack) forced me to pull off the road and practice breathing techniques from meditation and has been followed up by two others and a LOT of tears since then but I am not fighting it.  I’ve got to work through the tears, through the pain, through the discomfort of everything that has been happening in my life lately.  Sometimes when you get full, things blow and there is no way around it – you have to burrow right smack through the middle of it.  I’m doing it.  I’m so uncomfortable I can’t even explain it to you!  On the up side, when I make it to the other side of this mountain of crap, I will be whole again for the first time in many, many years – maybe the first time ever, who knows.  This time, it’s about me.  Not my mom, not a husband, not my daughter, not a boyfriend, not a client, not my boss, not a stranger, not a friend.  Me.  Selfish?  No, I don’t think so and I hope you can recognize that.  Anyone that knows me, knows I am anything but selfish.  I would do anything for damn near anyone that needed it.  If you do not know me, but are reading this, do not judge me util we get much further down the road.  I cannot lead any of you that are looking to me for guidance or inspiration or whatever it is you’re looking for if I, myself, am not being ME.  Somebody commented that they thought I seemed to have it all together…well, truly I don’t; yet at the same time I absolutely do.  I am well on my way and I will make every person supporting me proud, I promise!  I hope to God I am able to change some lives along with mine!

My poor trainer today…had to deal with my meltdown, as I was on my way to work with him today when it all started hitting me.  I pulled over, unable to breath, tears running down my face in a panic.  I almost called him and cancelled, but I knew he would never accept that.  He saved me today. Well, he helped me save myself.   Thank you, you are more than a trainer, you are my friend.  A very caring soul, I worked with him years ago and he took me to the peak of my fitness!  Now that I am physically getting stronger and able again, I have been blessed to be able to spend time with him again lately and I know eventually I will get back there with his help because he believes in me.  So huge to just have somebody that supports you through whatever the struggle is that day and I’ve had a lot lately.  Pain, disability, anxiety, loss, etc.  He helps me with the mental muscle as much as the body muscle, some days even more so!  Today, I would not have made it through the day without him and our work which started on the floor stretching and talking.  Have you ever been so appreciative of someone that helps you and they have no idea how much they really and truly just did for you with just a few kind and supportive words?  That’s how I felt today.  He gave me some very simple words – the best ones being something that he told me he learned from his 8 year old daughter the past 10 days while on a trip together seeing his father fighting for his life.  My title:  Be you.  Be you, unapologetically, authentically – you.  Never doubt who you are, have a childlike faith in yourself!  Do you see kids worrying about what another kid thinks of their shirt or their legs??  No way!  That’s just silly, so why do we do it as adults?  This is learned behavior, and not a good one.  Never worry about who someone thinks you should be, or how they think you should look; that’s not important.  This is a lesson that I am finally learning at 45 years old!  Sound simple doesn’t it?  When you’ve worried your whole life about pleasing people and making sure everyone around you is happy and taken care of – you can easily lose yourself and not know HOW to be yourself.

Today, I was asked this simple question:  what is something you enjoy doing and haven’t done in a while?  My response was:  “I don’t know.”  Really?  I don’t know what I like to do anymore??  What the heck is going on in my life that I don’t know what I would want to do?  I know I enjoy helping others feel good about themselves and get on track to a healthy and happy life!  But I do that every day and thank God for that blessing of being able to help others, or I would really be lost right now.  For years, it has been work, gym, dinner, bed – repeat.  Work got overwhelming, it took over my life.  My health began to decline due to long hours and non-stop travel.  I couldn’t stay strong because there was no energy or time left for the gym!  I’ve been fighting this for two years now.  It sucked the good life out of me and now I am taking some time off trying to deal with that and get my mind back.  When you have to be worried about taking off work to handle doctor appointments, physical therapy, or desperate family matters – there is something wrong!  I am looking for positive influence, I need to stay busy with things that insure no anxiety attacks pull me down for the day – yet I don’t seem to know what those things are!  That is INSANE to me!!

So you can imagine what I am going to be doing this evening – making a list of my favorite activities that I have forgotten about or putting off!  I will be putting this on paper and creating my “bucket list” if you will.  I will share it when I get it completed!  Someone else that was once very close to me told me over the weekend that after a dramatic loss it made them realize what is important and they created their own bucket list.  That’s actually where I got the idea to call it that.  I’m really proud of this person to be honest because they were on a path of destruction for the past few years and this made them realize the hurt they were causing others with the behavior, and it had to stop.  They also realized what is important in life and have changed their priorities.  If you happen to read this, know that I am proud of you; and while the way you hurt me will ever be erased, knowing that you’ve decided to change your habits makes me really happy for you.  So, creating the list is only step 1.  As I stated before, you can be as informed as you want, but if you don’t do something with that information, you’ll never move.  I repeat – if you want something different, do something different.  This is different for me and I am on it!!

So, who’s reading my blog?  Who will do this with me?  I would challenge you to do the same if you’ve forgotten what is important to you.  Do you know what things you love to do but don’t do because your every day grind has gotten you out of the habit?  Do you make yourself a priority in your own life, or do you take care of everybody around you and neglect yourself the way I have?  I thank God for my daughter and for each of you, and my besties; for without you right now, my life would not seem to have a lot of purpose.  My ability to help people find their passion, find their health or potentially find a way to pay their mounting bills brings me more joy and fulfillment than anything else right now.  My intention right now is to find this kind of joy for myself over an undefined amount of time, because I don’t know how long something like this takes!  I just know that I am pleased with myself and for the first time in a very long time – I will be putting myself first, making ME happy and building myself up to better serve YOU!  So if you’re willing to do this with me – comment on this post!  You don’t have to tell me your bucket list if you don’t want to, but I’d love to know that this resonates with somebody and somebody may make a change for themselves because of something I said.  Please share with me, grow with me and let’s make a difference for each other, together!

Another post done and another “therapy” session in the books.  I can’t tell you how much better this makes me feel as it is constantly reminding me that there is A LOT of good and positive in my life.  I just need to focus on it!  My love to you all!  Tomorrow – I think I’ll share a fun childhood story…stay tuned!

How do we define success?  Webster’s says it’s “the correct or desired result of an attempt”.  If we asked ten people what success means to them, we would get ten different answers.  For me, success means living the life I want to live freely and happily, and being able to share with family and friends to do the same!  I am a very capable, respected and accomplished professional in corporate America and have been for 23 years, so why would I not be able to conquer this goal too?  What stands in the way of this kind of freedom?  Displaced lies and fear!  A belief that somehow I don’t deserve it.  The doubt and fear of my ability to succeed.  Why is this?  Why would I not have full and true confidence in myself since I have succeeded in so many other areas?  Do you recognize the false truths in your life?  Have you told yourself stories that aren’t true and are holding you back from living your best life?  I believe that we all do this to an extent; a subconscious attempt at protection.  We can be so paralyzed by our fears of failure that we never even try!  For me, I have been afraid of connecting with people, trusting them and letting them see the real me.  That it has held me back in a lot of areas!  I have read so many self help and confidence building books, and I know HOW to correct many of these behaviors, but I haven’t done the work!  The fears of abandonment and rejection are very real for me.  This blog is my way of starting the work that I need to put in to live the life I want to live!  Here is a little bit about me and some of the lies that I have silenced by finding the truths.

I was born August 29, 1971 at 7:31 am in Corpus Christi, TX in the Nueces County Hospital.  My biological mother, Linda Babin and my biological father Jesse Cerna.  Young, unstable parents (your average 70’s hippies) that were not able to care for me.  That didn’t mean they didn’t love me, but they didn’t have the tools required to raise a child and I was put up for adoption.  At 7 days old, I went home with Art and Ruth Lemasters as a foster child.  My first and only family; they gave up their fostering license and adopted me.  They had 3 boys of their own and it was a full house!  I was the youngest of the 4 kids, the boys were much older than me at 7, 11 and 13 (I believe those ages are right) when I joined the family.  On one hand I am so grateful and thankful that I did not become part of the “system” and bounce from home to home yet on the other hand I wonder if I would have had a better, more “normal” life somewhere else.  False truth #1, my life would have been different, probably not better.  Of course we all wonder that to some extent, don’t we?  The “what if’s” of life, right?

My adoption answered the age old question of nature vs nurture for me.  Definitely nature, because there was very little nurture in my life!  I began believing that I didn’t need to be nurtured (false truth #2) and became quite guarded throughout my life.  I was told that as a little girl, I was Mom’s little buddy but my actual memories are of being outside in the pasture with Dad feeding the cows or riding the tractor while he bailed hay.  I often got in trouble for playing in the pig pen because I didn’t realize how protective a sow is with her babies!  Watching Dad work on anything in the garage was one of my favorite things to do!  Whether he was building a piece of furniture or changing the oil in the car, I just wanted to be there with him.  I do remember helping Mom make biscuits, I always got to cut them out.  To this day, I can whip up a batch of homemade biscuits with no recipe, although I haven’t done it in years!

We moved to Southern Missouri when I was 4.  My parents didn’t want me to grow up being “brown” where they considered it to be a racist area in TX at the time, against darker skin color.  I was different – false truth #3 – I had darker skin, I was not different.  We lived on farms growing up, as you probably gathered already, and it was a lot of work!  There was always something to be done and always something to explore!  It was really quite fun and I am grateful for most of the memories I have from my younger years.  This was the first of many, many moves I would experience as a child.  I lived in at least 12 houses and 4 states with my parents by the time I was 17.  There was a period where we were homeless, living out of our van and a camper in the middle of the National Forest in Mississippi, but that will be another entry all in itself!

I don’t remember the day my parents sat me down and told me I was adopted, I just always knew I wasn’t theirs (false truth #4, I WAS theirs, they chose me) and that I had other parents.  I went through a lot of feelings about this growing up.  The little bit of information that I had on them included tidbits such as my mother was beautiful, was musically inclined and played the guitar; my father was Native American – mostly true and my mother certainly is beautiful!  I also learned some false truths about them.  I grew up believing that my mother didn’t want me and that my biological father unsuccessfully tried to stop the adoption and wanted to raise me himself. Seriously false truth #5!!  (Years later, I would learn that these things were not true and I will share more around that another day.)  Growing up believing that your mother doesn’t want you can really damage your mind and your heart but not your ability to love.  I used to make up stories about who my biological father was, but not my mother, because I believed she didn’t want me (false truth #6).  I lived in a fantasy land where these ideas were concerned and dreamed of one day finding them both.

I’ve lived with a lot of lies in my head all of my life that have hindered my ability to let people in, to care about me, to care about them…to allow feelings at all.  I have trust issues, I am afraid anyone good that comes into my life will leave me or stop caring.  These are all very real things for me because they have in fact happened, but they no longer define me.  I am overcoming every single one of these false truths, one at a time.  I am tearing down the heart walls and will be the definition of success that I want to be!  I will love and be loved.  I will trust and be trusted.  My point today is that you don’t have to let your circumstances determine who you are.  Take those experiences, accept them and learn from them.  Sure, I could have grown up very differently.  I could have allowed myself to feel like a victim my entire life because “my parents didn’t want me” or because my mom didn’t nurture me.  Remember, nobody puts value on you except YOU.  Who do you want that to be?  Are you somebody that you are proud of?  Rise above your circumstances or whatever is holding you back right now and do something great!  What is your value?  Show the world your value – make them believe in you as much as you believe in yourself.  Start with you.  Love yourself, trust yourself and know that you are enough.  That is the truth.

I recently heard a quote that has been playing over and over in my head.  “The two most important days of your life are the day you were born and the day you discover why.”  I’m not even sure who originally said it because I’ve heard it so many times lately!  Another one replaying in my head – “if you want something different, DO something different”.  So guess what…

My life has not been a bed of roses lately (or ever) and it is past time for me to take a look in the mirror at what circumstances, both allowed and forced upon me, in my life are and have been robbing me of my full potential and ultimate bliss.   While walking my dog, Ollie, today – I was listening to a podcast by two of my favorite mentors and even though I have heard it before it hit me like a ton of bricks about 15 minutes into the hour long session.  So much so, that I came home from the walk, packed up my computer and notebook and headed off to a quiet place outside the home to work.  I often find too many distractions to accomplish what I really need to do at home.  I knew it was time for me to start telling my story…from the beginning.  (People that have heard excerpts from my life say it’s a Lifetime Movie!!)  I sat down with my berry drink and began researching different blogging sites and asking a lot of questions online.  Here I am 3-4 hours later, armed with knowledge, which equals power, and am ready to share!  I have blogged before, but not for a positive, effective outcome.  Today is for good.  Today is the beginning of a story that I hope you will all want to hear!  I hope every single person reading my words can relate in some way or gain some useful pieces of information from what I am going to put onto “paper”.

Most of you know me as a very private person, and know I do not share a lot of information about my life, so this will be stepping outside of my comfort zone into the place where they say “the magic happens”.  I am trusting that with God leading my hands to type these words, that will be the exact result, magic.  For you and for me.  This blog will not always be sunshine and roses, because that’s not how life truly is, and it certainly isn’t how my life has been.  BUT, what it will be is real; and honest; and open.  I will show hope and promise!  I intend to not only share with you where I am at today, but where I came from and where I am going.  And that my friends, is to the TOP!  It won’t always be easy to read, so imagine how I will feel typing it.  One thing I have learned lately is not to judge someone else and what their behavior is, as it likely not a true representation of who they are, but what they are going through; so be kind.  So I ask that as you read my most private, and sometimes mortifying times of my life, you do so with an open mind and heart and not criticize; nobody is perfect.

I am scared and excited to share with you!!  I have struggled for years to really understand who I am and why I am on this earth.  Why don’t I know my why?  Is something wrong with me?  Am I just not loveable?  Don’t I deserve happiness too? I will explore that with you, and hope to help you understand why you, too, are here and why I KNOW that we all deserve ALL of these things!  I hope you will follow me through this journey and learn with me as I begin to share my story with you of being a foster child, adoption, abuse, meeting my biological parents, marriage(s), motherhood, corporate America, and then starting over at age 40 to present day at 45 years young and ready to be in the top 2%!

Please let me know your feedback!  If any of these things resonate with you, let me know that!  I want to provide value as well as therapeutic words.  This is not about me.  This is about who I can help.  Who else may feel some of these same feelings of inadequacy and abandonment that I grew up with?  Who could benefit from knowing – you’re not the only one?  Love to you all…more to come!